


Phoenix Down - Zero

by NeverRead (AerSync)



Category: Vampire Knight (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, But Zero is still Zero, F/M, M/M, Oc-insert?, Possible Suicidal Thoughts, Reincarnation, Self-Insert, Slow Burn, Someone is Reborn as Zero, but it's Vampire Knight really, but not really. At all, just some small differences due to reasons, more like, possible incest, seriously, that's all i guess?, what did you expect?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-05-01 17:12:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 27,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19182208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AerSync/pseuds/NeverRead
Summary: His name was Zero Kiryu, but it hadn't always been that. He’d had another name once, Before – another life. But the Now was all that mattered in the end, right?What would have happened had Zero known what was going to happen from the start? What would have changed and what would have remained the same? Would he have saved his parents? And what about Ichiru? How would their relationship have changed? Would he still have ended up loving Yuuki? And would his hatred for vampires have changed at all??Reincarnation. Not really (or at all) SI, as Zero is still Zero – just with slightly different motivations and opinions due to circumstances and experiences. SLASH. YAOI.





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This all began with me wanting to see what would have happened had Zero possessed the knowledge of what was going to happen in the future. In the beginning I thought about making him a time traveller, coming back to his child body to change the past and all that, but then I got stuck in a SI phase and thought, what the hell, why not?  
> Thus after reading about SI ending up as Yuuki and other characters I decided to try and see what would happen if I put one in Zero' skin. It will still be him (as I find him perfect as he is, so why change him?) only with a few more memories at his disposal and new knowledge. It will not change him completely. In fact, mostly it will only come up at the beginning and when he ponders on knowledge he should not have otherwise, but for the rest he will be completely Zero, the SI thing is only an excuse to give him that knowledge and it will be that, mostly, that will change his behaviour a little in some cases, not him being another person. Oh and this will be SLASH/YAOI of course.
> 
> One last thing, I started this story with the intention of it being ZeroxKaname centric but...well, Zero dragged me away forcibly, got a hold of Ichiru and now would not let him go, so... well, who knows how it will end up? I'm open to everything, even a KanamexZeroxIchiru threesome. It's up to you really. And Zero. Let's us never forget Zero. There's just no telling what the stubborn arse will do. He could even turn this fic completely on its head and end up with Aidou, Kain, Ichijou or maybe even Shiki or Kaito (no Yuuki, however. She will not be bashed or anything, but she will only ever end up as a sister to him and to Kaname as well if this goes as planned. Maybe there is space to arrange something more but in that case it’ll be only related to heirs and because I really fucking love Ren and Ai is cute as well I guess). Right at this moment, however, the intention is for this to end up KanamexZero.
> 
> Maybe I’ll insert some flirting here and there with someone but nothing too much, or with too many – I don't see it being Zero's way after all, but he’s still a teenage boy and will be at least slightly lighter in this fic than in canon. And not in love with Yuuki, of course, that also helps. I guess, with how twisted Vampire knight really is in those things, I could still have Zero and Kaname have something with Yuuki and Kaname while being the real couple. In short, anything is possible. Give me your opinion maybe and I can perhaps insert some one-sided crushes or mutual likes with someone (perhaps a past story in the case of Kaito?) but nothing too important, a way to enforce a closer bond, maybe.
> 
> Well then, what else is there to say but R&R? I’ll leave you to it, hope you’ll enjoy!
> 
> Oh and this work was cross-posted in FF.net
> 
> A/N: Only the first chapter (or the prologue really) is in first person.

And then I died.

Death – A strange place to start a story, I know, but it really was the origin of all that happened in my life, strange as it sounds.

I don't remember exactly how it happened – there is little I remember about 'the Before' at all, in fact.

Only snow. The never-ending snow falling around me.

I did not feel the cold, only shocking numbness as I lay on the soft, white carpet, staring up at the black sky tinged with white.

Then, the Darkness came over me, distant shouts failing to reach my ears.

This is really all there is to say about Before.

I think I was a girl back then, or maybe a boy – It really is not too clear, nor too important in truth – with an average family and an average life. It hardly matters anymore.

Now, I'm as far from average there can be, something which I still don't know it's a good thing or not.

It certainly did not seem so for a long time.

l

O

l

The first thing I remember after Death, is The Darkness.

An all-encompassing darkness which seemed to never end and enclosed everything into it, including my Self.

It was warm and peaceful, safe, in a hazy and not-really-conscious way.

It took me a long while to realize I was not part of the Darkness, but in fact had a distinct consciousness from it.

It took me even longer to realize that my presence was not whole at all but made up of two halves instead – If that even made any sense.

Later then, I realized the other halve had an entirely distinct consciousness from my own.

_There was another presence beside my own. A presence I now realized had been there since the very beginning, but I'd simply assumed was a part of me. I could swear at points I could still feel as if it were mine. Yet, it was not so._

We were not one, but two.

Still, I could feel a bond between us that almost made that notion appear ridiculous.

_Of course we_  were one.  _We were_  made _to be one_.

I had yet to be conscious of having a body then, there were no physical boundaries at all it seemed, only us and our two consciousnesses uniting into a single presence.

We often huddled together, sticking so close, becoming one or separating once more as we wished it. There were no confines at all between One and the Other.

It was beautiful, a communion so great nothing could compare, a communion of  _souls_ and  _life_ itself. It felt like nothing could divide us back then.

_And then the time came that we became physical entities, gaining physical bodies and the awareness of being permanently distinct; and suddenly our souls felt constricted, halved, missing, and they longed to reunite, to become one once more._

As this process took place, I could feel the tiny body of the presence that was once I, press against the side of my own slowly forming body – almost trying to be reabsorbed once again, to become one as we once were.

I was the same, trying to enclose the other presence completely, feeling the hole inside my soul  _so keenly_  as it cried out for its missing piece.

_I remember I had always unconsciously coiled around the other presence even before, trying to hold it, protect it like something precious._ It was my soul, _my jumbled instincts and perceptions had said. It was the most precious and perfect part of me and_ I had to protect it _. There was no question to it, no doubts or hesitation – it had to be protected above all else. It could not be made to disappear, it had to keep existing and living beside me, if not inside me._

In fact, I somewhat liked that it was another presence, distinct but at the same time united with my own to form a sole being. I liked it when we had shared everything and had no boundaries, were a  _single_   _soul,_  but I did not wish to return at when we were each unaware of the other. I wanted to  _feel_ it there, beside me while being part of me at the same time, and I had a feeling if we became one completely once again, then It would lose its own bright consciousness, engulfed by my own. I did not want that – It was too precious.

I only wished our physical restraints would disappear and leave us as before.

_And thus, we grew like this inside the Darkness. We each were the first presence the other sensed, the first thing the other felt. We were each part of the Other. We tried to remain as close as possible as our physical boundaries grew and with it, our awareness of our surroundings._

At some point, we started to feel a soft thrumming resonating around us. It beat in time with Our soul, coming from nowhere and everywhere at once, embracing us. It was...strange, comforting, coming from outside and inside both, vibrating within Our begin. It was a little later we realized there were two distinct beats, a soft thumping coming from us and one beating around us, almost with the same rhythm but at the same time distinct. It only beat in true sync with the Other's, as we were one after all – we shared everything, and everything was one (One  _Soul_ One  _Heart)_.

_Our Heart beating in sync always calmed us, a physical proof of our Oneness instead of the usual boundaries that came from it._

After a while we started hearing other noises as well –  _voices_ ,my mind whispered – coming from outside the welcoming Darkness. They felt as warm and safe as the Darkness itself, although then we could not understand what they meant.

We huddled together to listen to it at times. Others, My Other Half fussed while hearing them and so I tried to push out at them, moving hands and feet I only then realized to possess.

Other times, when My Other was distressed by our  _distinct_ presence and my closeness only amplified the sense of loss and of  _hollowness_ , I reached out for them – to the  _voices –_  on my own, trying to get them to reassure My Half, but it did not always work. Often times it was  _me_ the only thing able to calm my Other, even when it was my presence to cause the distress in the first place.

_We remained together in the Darkness for what felt like an eternity, although we did not have a sense of time yet, nor of anything that was not Our self, the Darkness or the Voices._

Then, one day, it all changed.

Suddenly, the Darkness started to compress around us – the welcoming embrace becoming a cruel clamp, dangerous rather than safe, and we felt Ourselves being squeezed along. Something was pushing to bring us somewhere, dividing us. I pushed back, trying to get safety for my Other Half at least, but it was useless –  _I_  was useless.

_I felt myself being squeezed one last, painful time before the sharp pain of breathing with my own lungs for the first time and from being hit by too many stimuli at once invaded my senses. Then, I felt myself being fully, irrefutably separated from my Other for the first time in my life._ I cried.

It an was almost physical pain, a feeling a little like being pulled in two opposite directions – neither hold deterring as they pulled and pulled at you till your something gave and you tore in half.

But the worst pain was the one my soul felt as it was left grasping for something that was no longer there, reaching further than it was used to stretch in its fledgling state. I felt... _incomplete_. I did not like it. At all.

I felt myself being handled by different presences –  _others_  – which registered as strange and outsiders to my soul as it desperately tried to stretch, to find the one it recognized as belonging.  _Our Own_.

Then, another cry broke the air, another soul –  _M_ _y soul_ – crying out as my own. I instantly knew it was my Other Half and felt immediately reassured to have found it again. The relief did not last long however, as we were not reunited as I had hoped, but brought even further apart instead. I could not understand what was going on back then, I only knew they were taking my  _Other_  away and remember our screams, rising till they joined as one, united, no matter how far apart we were.

_I think we cried till we were settled back together, bodies touching, huddled close as we were in the Darkness, although they felt more restrictive than ever before, strange layers being added to keep us firmly as distinct beings._

_I remember opening my eyes for the first time then – as I felt my Other presence being finally settled back into Its_ rightful _place beside me – and being met with the most stunning and beautiful sight I could ever imagine._

The first thing I saw, was my Other Half's gorgeous, huge, teary lilac eyes and beautiful tuffs of silver hair. We were so close I could see them perfectly despite my blurry eyesight, and I knew It did as well.

_I came to a realization then, one I abide to still now._

My Other was even more precious than anything I could have thought before, and I had to protect and cherish It, no matter the price.

Not much is to be said about what happened after. Our souls and bodies too strained from the stress of leaving the Darkness and our forceful separation to remain conscious.

_From that day onward however, everything had changed for us. The Darkness was left and we could no longer stay together as we liked. Those…foreign presences kept separating us. Some were familiar, however, and reminded us of the Voices we felt when still engulfed by the Darkness. Those presences always reunited us in the end, although each time still took way too long for our liking._

_With time, we learned how to sense each other even further apart and we soon stopped being distressed when separated as we could still feel each other, still be one, united, even when divided_.

It came to a point we could feel the other's presence anywhere in what we later came to realize was our home, and a bit still after it – although we still did not like it and always longed to reunite.

Months passed, and slowly a strange knowledge started to filter into my brain. Memories, of things I should not know and should not realize nor understand, came to me. I had always felt more strangely aware even when we were back inside the Darkness – one of the reasons, I suspect, why My Other recognized myself as the main body of our common soul and tried to engulf itself with my presence.

It was, perhaps, also the reason why our presences managed to keep separated, however much I detested our physical limitators ( _Bodies – such useless things when you had_ ).

I did not care about them, aside from the fact that they helped me protect My Other better and be closer to It. I did not care for the memories of the average girl/boy I had once apparently been as s/he went about her/his life. It was not me, not anymore – I realized that without problem or drama, as my new self was much more than I, for I was Myself and My Other. There was no Other in my memories and thus I did not care for them. I only cared that they expanded my ability to  _think_  and to  _realize._ I know part of that at least, if not the memories themselves ( _I don't think, no – no memories, at least not many or clearly, only the effects, as we shared everything, even our brains_ ) bled through to My Other, as he also became more aware and started to  _realize_  and  _process_  things – although whether to the same extent or not remained to be seen.

It was thanks to that we came to realize what we were: Brothers,  _Twins_. It felt so/such restricting a term for what we felt, however, that we simply referred to each other as Our Others in our minds. There was no need for labels or identifications: we simply were and we were Each Other.

It was also at that point we realized what the two other presences always around us were –  _our_   _parents_  – and that what we remembered as coming out of The Darkness was our birth taking place.

The words that filtered around us were still unfamiliar –  _another language –_  but I could get a few words here and there making sense sometimes, almost as if I had already heard them somewhere before and only had to remember it ( _Japanese, my memories whispered_ ).

We learned our names then as well, although we still had troubles understanding which of us was named what – we still, even to that point, had difficulties differentiating Our Self at times – and as such we simply kept not using them. We really had no need for such things anyway, as they only served to distinguish us further and we were simply One.

I still remembered the names however, as they sparked some half-forgotten memory that I could always feel at the edge of my mind when I thought of them but could never reach. Besides, one of them was the name of my Precious Other and even if I could not tell which one yet, and for however useless they were to us, it had to be treasured like every other part of It.

Zero and Ichiru.

_Those were our names, but I did not realize till much later what they meant for us and for this new life I had found myself in._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it for the first chapter! A little short perhaps but the next one will be longer – and with a lot less notes, promise.
> 
> What do you think? Please let me know. Also, what do you all thing about my writing? Good, bad, passable? Did I make too many grammar errors? Let me know all you find, I’m eager to improve following your advices!
> 
> Even if you don’t think you’ll keep reading this, please review anyway and let me know why! Maybe I could resolve some problems that way as well. 
> 
> In short, Write down anything and everything you want to say!


	2. Realization & Resolutions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, here it's the next chapter.  
> As promised it's longer and I won't bore you too much with notes.
> 
> Things remain mostly canon for now and will only start showing changes further on – especially once Zero ends up with the Chairman and Yuuki and they start Cross Academy, of course.
> 
> On another note, someone asked of me wether this story will contain Mpreg or not, so I thought I should address the matter here: No, there will be no Mpreg. Nothing wrong with it, but I don't think it'd fit well with the feeling of this story. Besides that, I don't personally care much for it either. Hope no one will be too disappointed!
> 
> Oh, another thing, I made a new cover for this fic. if you're curious and want to check it out, I'll leave the link at the end of the chapter!
> 
> Now, without further ado, I'll leave you to the story. Hope you'll like it and feel generous enough to review (;

When the Realization came, Zero had nearly fainted. Probably would have as well had it not been for Ichiru's precious presence beside him, giving him strength.

It had been a few years since what had been now dubbed as The Day by both him and Ichiru, and they had finally learned to differentiate themselves from one another if need be – although they still did not like to. It just felt so  _lonely_  and still so incredibly  _hollow_...

 _Did other people live like that their whole lives? Never knowing something was missing, always searching without knowing what? He did not remember much of his time Before_ (Before this life, Before their new parents, Before the Darkness...Before his Other)  _but he still remembers the muted loneliness, the wishful thinking, and the indefinite searching that characterizes the human race as a whole. Was that why? He never realized_...

In those years, Zero had done as pledged and took care of his Other Half, entertaining him and looking after him – taking care he did not hurt himself in his thirst for knowledge, keeping him back as he risked to fall or pulling him up when he needed it. He made sure he had everything he wanted, calling out to their parents if something was missing or his Other needed something (like a diaper change. Ugh) and trying to fatten him up by giving him the last of his milk if he was still hungry (as their mother could not breastfeed them...luckily). He gladly gave his own things and himself, holding him close when the loneliness overtook him and generally making sure he had everything he could need to be happy, if a little spoilt.

_He would always give everything of his own to his Other. After all, they were One, and did that not mean that everything was already His from the start?_

They had finally adapted to their new physical limitations, now only fearing the cultural ones society would impose on them in the years to come while still enjoying the present. They were still young then, almost two.

It was around that time when it happened.

Their parents had always told them bedtime stories about vampires. It had gone on since they were old enough to sleep in their own little bed at least ( _still one bed for now, but soon it would be two, too soon, not yet, we are One yet_ ). They would tell them incredible stories, of them going to fight the creatures of the night and saving lives together once older, but Zero had always simply thought them as his family' strange version of superhero stories and fairy tales.

That is, he did. Till one-night, their father came home covered in blood, a strange teen supporting him as he staggered through the front door.

He didn't think that was the first time it happened either ( _Hazy memories of similar sounds passed through his mind as he thought back, desperately searching for another reason, another explanation. He found none_ ). It was, probably, just the first time it happened since he and Ichiru were old enough to walk on their own and not confined to their crib (Zero  _had been the first to take a step but it had been Ichiru to spur him on. Watching as he shakily tried to stand up, pushing on even with his still weak legs, the need to support his Other had filled him. The want for Ichiru to lean on him to make his firsts, unsteady steps. On the other side Ichiru had been the first to speak, his first word directed to him. Zero had been so happy and touched he had said his first word back right then and there_ ).

They were in the living room that day, playing with their toys while Mother prepared dinner.

He remembers standing up, their mother rushing past them through the crack of the half-open door. He remembers looking through the gap as Ichiru stood beside him, holding his hand tightly as they watched on.

He will never forget how their father looked then, covered in blood and staggering, even as the unknown teen helped to hold him up.

"Come on Kiryuu, a little help here. You're heavy you know?"

"Shut...up Yaga-ri"

He remembers pushing Ichiru slightly behind him then, staring in shock even as their mother helped the stranger bring father in and close the door. Her voice was barely even trembling, firmly asking what had gone wrong as if used to it.

He remembers listening as they started talking, talking about vampires ( _impossible, not true, cannot be.._ undeniable _,_ proof) and putting together a scene sounding like a bloodier and cruder version of one of their bedtime stories.

It was then it hit him. Something from Before and the memories that came of that time. It was one of the few things, strangely, that had not completely eroded away. Only at that moment he understood the importance of those names he had previously thought superfluous, dots connecting in his head:

Zero and Ichiru.

Kiryuu. Twins. Vampires..  _Vampire Knight._

 _He'd ended up in a manga. A fictional world. A fictional world of vampires and war. As one of its main_   _characters and with a tragic backstory to boot._  At that moment, he knew that in only a few years the life he'd come to know was going change once again. His parents were going to die – calculated sacrifices in a lonely, selfish, reincarnated pureblood's plan to save his Light – and he'll end up as just another pawn, irremediably changed into the one thing he'll be raised to fight.

The thing that scared him the most, however, was that soon ( _too soon, not enough,_ never enough _)_ his own Light will be taken from him and later killed, his last breath taken by his own very hands. He will return to be just a part of him, his bright consciousness forever lost...

A hard determination wrought by despair filled him then: No. He'll never allow it to happen. He will protect his Other. He won't let him be caught up in some pureblood's plans. Some things may have to happen, but he'll make sure he'll survive in the end, no matter the cost.

It was a promise. His Resolution.

From that day onward, he ( _Zero – he was Zero now,_ Kiryuu  _Zero_ ) started to pay much more attention to his parents' bedtime 'stories', trying to piece together what was going on in the hunter world. It wasn't easy, especially as he really had no idea what to look for in the first place. He had no idea, really, of how hunters worked. Knew nothing more than them being all reunited under the Hunter Association and headed by a president...whom, if his memories were correct, became corrupt and in league with the Vampire Council at some point...only he did not know  _when._

He listened with bated breath anyway, trying to catch some information on the pureblood world as well – trying to see if he could find out what was happening with the Kurans now. Had Yuuki already been changed into a human? Was she living with the chairman now or still hidden away under the Kuran Manor? Was she even born already? He did not even remember  _when_  she was born. It had been a long time since he'd watched or read anything about that world after all. He remembered she was supposed to be in his same class however, so they should be the same age. Useless he had waited back one year? Or useless vampires developed slower than humans. Could she have been born years before him? And at what time did she get changed into a human? Around 5? 7? it was frustrating, knowing something was going to happen but not remembering the details.

Thus, he listened – to the "bedtime stories", to their parents talking when they thought he wouldn't hear nor understand, when they were on the phone, or even when they were relaxing around their family, letting information slip they didn't think a two years old baby would know what to do with. He'll have to know when something important happened, after all. Had to know the exact moment their parents went after Shizuka's lover. He knew it was a long time coming, but he had to get in the habit now. It would not do to let any important information slip by him after all.

Thinking about what could happen broke his heart.

The thought of his twin, his  _Other_ , being sad and lonely enough to think of doing something so drastic just to feel happy again filled him with despair and hopelessness. He could not bear the thought of his Other in pain. He resolved then to do everything in his power not to let the situation escalate so much. He will not let his Other reach that point, fall into such desperation. He will love him with his whole half of Their Soul and do his damnedest to make him feel happy and loved.

Perhaps, then, everything that happened in his memories – in that  _story_  – could be prevented. Ichiru would not seek out Shizuka if he was happy and thus he would not let her in when she came and maybe, just maybe, their parents could live on as well and he won't be turned either.

It was a long shot and he knew there was a huge possibility for things to not go as he wished. Other factors could come into play even if Ichiru did not help with the happenings and there was also the possibility that, even with all his best efforts, things wouldn't change. In that case, he knew he'd do anything he could to make sure Ichiru, at least, would be happy in the end.

Nothing else mattered, only his Other' safety and happiness.

In the meantime, he started to hold his Other even more precious to Their Heart, knowing as he did they could end up having so little time together. He'll hold dear every moment spent together, every day, every hour, every minute; memorize his every face and expression and immortalize them in his memory in the case that...they separated. For that purpose, he'd forcefully coerced his parents into taking as many pictures of his Other as he could, in as many positions and outfits as possible. It wouldn't do to lose even a little bit of his adorableness after all. It would not do at all.

Meanwhile, the years passed.

I

I

Zero stared down lovingly at the sleeping figure cradled in his arms. His better reflection, his Other.

They were in their bedroom right then, laying down for a late afternoon nap. Or at least, his Other was. He, instead, was too full of thoughts to sleep right then. Besides, he'd never waste any time he could spend looking at his Other Half and feel him close if he could – He just could not resist, nor could he bear missing any moment. It was simply too unacceptable a thought.

Time had gone by and Zero and Ichiru had grown with it.

They were still as close as before, always being together, still sleeping in each other's bed, each other's arms, even if their parents had started to try and separate them. Their bond was just as strong as ever as well, if not more so since Zero's Revelation.

He knew his time with his Other could end soon ( _too short, not enough, more, more, he wanted more time,_ not possible _..._ ) and grew to cherish him and their present together even more. Ichiru was not simply his Other anymore, he was his entire Life, his only reason for living. He was now certain that was why he'd been reborn, the true purpose for his existence, and he was happy with it. Extremely so in fact.

He could think of nothing better than gladly and joyfully dedicate his life, his very being, to his Other, to make him happy. After all, they were one sole existence and he had already had a life on his own, one centred completely around himself and without his Other Half ( _Alone, always, searching but_ not there _, so much pain and sadness,_ incomplete), it was only right to pledge his second one only to Him. He belonged completely to his Other and would not change it for the world.

Sighing contentedly at the thought, Zero once more looked lovingly down at the beautiful figure in his arms, a sad pang going through Their Heart as he took in his reddened cheeks and slightly laboured breath. His Other had been so excited from their parents' news of their starting training that he'd been up all night. Adding to that the straining of exercising all day, and his small body had not borne it.

As the years had went on, Ichiru's failing health had slowly begun to make itself known.

It was nothing serious at first, only a slightly weaker body, a slightly weaker immune system, getting a few more colds than Zero and falling ill slightly easier, but as he grew his condition seemed to worsen. It was almost as if his body didn't have nutrients sufficient to fully sustain said growth.

Zero felt terrible. He knew it was his fault, knew his Other's failing health was because he had taken  _something_  from him when they were growing inside Mother's womb. If it weren't for him, his Other would be happy and healthy. This just strengthened his resolve. It was only right of the existence that had robbed his Other of what was rightfully his. He'll be his Other's extension.

He will train himself to be the best, so that his Other could have the best at his disposal, just as he deserved, and he'll become strong enough to sustain and protect Him till he could do so himself (Because he knew it was only temporary, soon he would become strong enough and leave him behind –  _not needed anymore, soon, too soon, don't leave me..._  – but it did not matter, only His happiness mattered –  _but did He need to leave him to be happy?_ ).

This was why, when the man had come that day, he'd stared back into his soon to be Master's eyes ( _the same man from long ago, the day when everything really started, before the_ Realization) and vowed with his whole begin he'll do his damnest to become the best hunter his Other could wish for.

Zero sighed contemplatively, borrowing closer to his Other. Stroking His cheek softly as to not wake him, he noted his breathing had become smoother and his body temperature had returned to normal, meaning the medicine Ichiru ingested finally took effect. Yes, he'd do everything in his power, suffer every pain imaginable, to make it so the precious being in his arms would be happy.

In the meantime, however...he carefully disentangled himself from his Other's arms, giving him a pillow to hug in his stead. There could not be a second wasted, and Ichiru was just too adorable right now to let the moment slip, forgotten in the flow of time – no, it needed to be immortalized. Objective firmly determined, he left to find their parents, making sure not to make too much noise. A camera was urgently needed after all.

I

I

It hadn't taken long for their parents to start their training.

By that point, they'd slowly introduced them to the reality of Vampire's existence and their role in fighting them ( _too late, useless, already knew, why, why, why?_ ).

The stories told were toned down due to their age, of course, and embellished enough to exalt the Hunters' role and importance, but they served their purpose well enough anyway – Initiating them to a hunter's mentality. It was a sort of brainwashing, he'd realized, an indoctrination.

At barely five years old, their minds deemed conditioned enough for the moment, it was time to start working on their bodies as well.

Ichiru had been ecstatic, probably hoping the training would help reinforce his body. It was probably what their parents hoped as well, thinking about it ( _won't work, useless, my fault, only mine, but soon..too soon..._ ).

Yagari Toga was one of the best vampire hunters the Association had to offer and – from what he could remember from past memories – a good man as well, hiding great kindness and care behind a gruff exterior.

There wasn't much in his memories from Before about this time of his life. Zero only knew that at one point Yagari lost an eye protecting him ( _How? Don't remember. Why? What happened? When?_ ) and that at some point they'll be joined by another kid (Yato? Kain? Maito _? No wait, wrong anime_ ). Thus, for this part of his life at least, he could only go about with no previous knowledge, living day by day as normal people do.

The day of their first meeting they'd all been standing outside, their parents at each side of their soon to be Master. The twins had stood before them, side by side, shoulders touching, hands brushing, looking up at them with a mix of expectancy and apprehension – both knowing what was going to happen and who this man was going to be for them.

"My boys", came the strong voice of their father, a hand clasped on the other man's shoulder "this is Yagari Toga. He's one of the best vampire hunters around and from now on he is going to be your Master. Listen to him and soon you'll become great hunters just like your parents!" He grinned, winking at us before turning towards Yagari.

"Toga, those are our sons, Zero and Ichiru" he presented proudly, pointing to each in turn "we leave them in your hands".

Yagari, who up to that point had remained silent, observing them with intent, scrutinizing eyes, spoke up.

"Boys" he greeted gruffly "From today onwards I am your Master. Don't expect me to go easy on you because I'm friend with your parents, for I won't – hunter training is hard for a reason. Put yourselves in my hands, however, and I'll give my damndest to make sure you'll both survive and become the best hunters you can be".

Zero's body tensed at that ( _survive, survive, must survive, protect, protect, must, train..._ ) while he could feel his Other vibrate beside him in mixed excitement and apprehension. He could tell how much his counterpart wished for this. Zero squared his shoulders then, hands tightened into fists and eyes narrowed as he stared with burning determination back into their newly appointed Master's eyes.

In one movement and with one voice, he and his Other bowed down in respect.

"Please take care of us"

One voice, two intonations, two different meanings, mixed excitement and determination ( _Won't die, can't, must survive, become the_ absolute best).

Master Yagari looked hard at the both of them, staring intently yet again. Perhaps it was his imagination, but Zero thought those eyes lingered on him a second longer than on his Other before the man nodded, inclining his head slightly in return.

"Very well".

Their training had started that same day.

Their newly appointed Master had started them off easily enough, with a little physical conditioning along with quizzing their general knowledge of vampires, what they had learned from their parents. Zero knew it would not last long though – he was studying them, testing them, assessing, and leaving them the time to do the same. At that point, he knew, the training would start for real.

He'd been right.

Soon enough, their training began picking up, becoming harder, lasting longer and becoming more and more complicated, both physically and mentally. Zero and Ichiru's lives had become completely filled, organized from morning till evening. It was hard and exhausting exercise but quite fulfilling, to tell the truth, and besides there were many pauses in-between, to not stress out their small, young bodies too much.

Everything was calculated and calibrated to be just exactly at the extremes of what they could safely handle, and never more. Just enough to break past their limits but not enough to break them. They also had plenty of time to play and spend with each other, of course, and their rest time wasn't lacking at all. It wasn't constructive to a good training to be constantly exhausted, after all.

Zero loved it. He did not remember much of Before, but he knew he had never done anything like that. He vaguely recalled memories of remembered instruments and water but nothing so intense and all-consuming like what they were doing now. It was...satisfying. Trying hard, giving your best at something and be rewarded with a perfect result. Their Master even said that if they kept progressing like this he'd introduce them to weapon fighting and hunter spells sooner rather than later. He could not wait.

Not everything was good however. Due to Ichiru's fragile health, he frequently had to stop half-way through a session or skip them entirely at times. He could see ( _feel, One Soul, two bodies, connected,_ forever) his Other's growing disappointment and frustration grow each time it happened, and it brought him to train even harder, do better – his Other spurring him on from the side, where he always stood to watch him train when he could not join ( _he always did worse when Ichiru was too sick to watch, his thoughts with his Other, stuck sick in bed, far from him. He knew Yagari-shishou noticed, he always stopped their sessions earlier during those days, although not before giving him a_ look  _and ruffling his hair_ ).

All put together, Yagari-shishou revealed himself to be a superb teacher and guardian, and they quite liked what they had going on.

With them under their Master's care, their parents had started going out more often as well, taking more and longer missions, leaving them with always increasing frequency under their Master's watchful eye.

Truly, it did not bother Zero too much. He  _did_  love his parents of course – they were the ones who brought him in this world and the ones who gave him Ichiru after all, his Twin, his Other Half. He had grown quite attached and he really hoped he could manage to save them from the fate lying in wait, hoped for a bright, happy future they could all live together in – but he could still remember another set of parents and he knew, as long as he had his Other by his side, he would not break, would not feel alone. No matter how cruel it could seem, his Other would always be his top priority, his happiness and well-being coming before everything else to Zero, even himself.

The years passed like that and without them even realizing it, the time they both feared finally came: school.

They didn't like it – at all. The lessons were simple and quite boring, their classmates annoyingly loud and quite childish and the teachers were nothing in comparison to their Master, treating them with condescension due to their age and completely ignoring their intellect. Most gravely, however, they separated them, sending each to a different class and obliging him to leave his Other alone for hours. Unforgiving.

Ichiru always got sick those times and the infirmary was the only place they could reunite in during lessons time (He knew half the times it was not true, just an excuse, a pretext, to see him again –  _reunited, together,_ _One_  – but the other half it was, and half the time was often enough for him –  _hurt, alone, wrong, protect, protect,_ protect – somehow Ichiru always got ill more easily if separated for too long).

It was because of those frequent visits they got to know the school nurse so well.

She was really beautiful, gentle and oh so kind to them ( _to his Other_ ), letting Ichiru remain there even when she knew he really had nothing, closing an eye when Zero visited him during class time and allowing him to stay with his Other, climbing on the bed with him, holding him, never letting go ( _Never, One Soul, Together forever/always, Never, Never..._ No..Must...). She took care of them and even gave them sweets when they visited, buying their favourite ones just for them. Ichiru really liked her, and he did as well. They were probably her most assiduous patients.

They never knew what really hid under that kind and beautiful facade...not until it was too late.

It was a day like any others when it happened. Ichiru had fallen ill for real this time and their Master had been called to take them home like he always did when that happened. Zero had been in bed with Ichiru then, like he always was. They were huddling together while the kind nurse took care of them, like she always did.

Then...something different happened. He did not recall exactly how it came to be, his memories of those moments hazed and overshadowed by the later happenings but, somehow, he cut himself on something. It was not too bad a cut, nothing serious, probably only a little scratch really, but enough to bleed just that little bit. It had been enough.

By then having probably been at the end of her rope, what with working as a nurse and all, it must have been the last straw for her. Not to mention they were hunters – strong, pure-blooded and  _twins_  at that – and it was well known that hunter blood always tasted better than a normal human's (He thought it was due to how they were created honestly, purest blood running through their veins, still strong though probably diluted).

Busy looking at his hurt arm, his attention was recalled when Ichiru let out a strangled gasp. Looking back up at his twin, he saw his eyes wide in shock and fixed on something behind him.

"N-nii-san..."

When Zero turned around he was met with red, red, crimson eyes.

A twin gasp escaped his lips as the two of them stared into the once warm brown eyes of their beloved nurse. They knew immediately what she was.

Even knowing that, however, they could not believe their most beloved nurse, the one who took care of them almost like a mother would, healing them and looking after them all this time, would ever hurt them. It was simply inconceivable, no matter her nature.

Yes, it had been naïve of them to think so, especially with Zero supposedly being really an adult in a child's body and already knowing what Level Es could do – how they could become, their true, inescapable nature. However, although he had the memories of another life – blurred as they were – in him, and the training of a hunter, he was still a child in all that mattered, and to have seen/read/heard something was definitely different from living it. That was something he learned that day and something that served him well in mind in the future.

He  _knew_  Level Es were dangerous, threatening to fall into an uncontrollable beast at a moment notice, however despite what he could remember from both his Master's lessons and his other memories ( _or perhaps even exactly due to them as he vividly remembered his supposedly future self, watching his struggles and real nature, how hard he resisted and_ fought  _and maintained control_ ) he could not help but also remember the warm eyes of the nurse, the loving touches and ever-kind smiles. Besides, he knew Ichiru liked her as well and it was really difficult for his Other to like someone.

It was due to those thoughts he did nothing but stand guarded as she came closer, eyes crimson red and lost in some kind of haze.

"Nee-san?" he calls out, childish conviction trusting that she would not hurt them and will regain her senses soon.

It was also what guided his actions in the following happenings and led to what would forever be one of the greatest regrets in t/his life.

The nurse had almost reached their bed. Her movements were slow and almost clumsy, her nostrils flaring and expression dazed, but right before she did, the sound of the door being slammed open echoed in the room, catching their attention and making her jump back with a hiss.

Their Master came blazing into the room then, guns blazing and expression hard. He surveyed the room briefly, his trained eyes taking in every detail in seconds.

"Zero, take Ichiru and run" was all he said then, eyes never straying from the nurse's form.

He didn't. Couldn't. For the first time since they met each other, Zero disobeyed an order from their Master. He knew perfectly well what would happen if he left the room and did not want for it. He knew, logically, that all Level Es had to be terminated, but it was a completely different thing to see it happen, know it was going to happen, to someone you knew. How could he simply reconcile with the idea of...killing someone? Killing her?

Zero threw himself down the bed but instead of getting away as told, he ran as fast as his little body would allow and put himself between his Master and the kind nurse, arms spread to protect her form, knowing Ichiru wanted to do something as well but too sick to manage it.

"Wait, Master!" he exclaimed earnestly, eyes wide and pleading as they land on the blazing form of their Master, "Don't hurt her! She's the school nurse, she'd never harm us!"

Yagari-shishou paused then, hands still on the trigger as for the first time he briefly took his eyes off the Level E to give him a hard look.

"Get away from her, Zero! She is not the person you knew anymore, she's a Level E now!" he exclaimed back harshly, an urgent undercurrent to his words.

"But sh-" Zero started to protest, failing to notice the nurse moving behind them. Finally recovered from their Master' sudden entrance, her beast called for the blood that had awakened it. The boy barely heard the worried "Zero-nii!" from his Other before something came over him, pushing him away and covering his small form.

When he regained his bearings once more, Yagari-shishou was already before him, face hard and impassive even as blood streamed down, pistol pointed at the creature before them. Creature, yes, because what stood before them at that moment was not, could not be, the kind, gentle nurse he and Ichiru had known anymore. He saw that now. The thing staring down at them with that crazed expression and bloodied claws was a monster who had taken over her body. There was no trace of her anymore in those red, red, crimson eyes.

In the next moment, it was already over. A clear shot rang in the room and the creature screeched in pain before succumbing to it, its body nothing now but dispersing ashes.

What happened next was like a blur for Zero. He'd probably fallen into shock, thinking on it. He remembered his Other throwing himself at him, getting to him even in his weakened, sick state, and checking him for any injuries. He remembers doing the same for his twin, momentary lucidity returning when he realized the state of his Other and taking him in his deceptively small arms. After that, however, he only remembered gazing into the gory, sliced flesh that was once his Master's right eye and the blood running down from it. He could not stop thinking of what had happened and how it could have all been avoided had he only obeyed his Master.

He'd never before felt more remorseful and ashamed of himself than in that moment. He'd put himself in danger, worse, he had put  _his Other_  in danger, and their exiting of the situation unhurt was only due to Yagari-shishou's intervention – who in the end was the one to pay the price of his stupidity and incompetence ( _His fault, only his, weak, pathetic, could not protect,_ stupid...).

He'd even known it was going to happen sooner or later and had deluded himself into thinking he could avoid it, even without remembering how it had happened in the first place. How arrogant had he been, how stupid, thinking himself better only because he had memories of another life, thinking he could change whatever he wanted because he was  _better_  than that Zero – he was not a child after all and knew it was going to happen. He'd been blinded by the omniscient feeling his memories of Before had given him, and their Master had paid for it.

It was that day that he realized he was no adult anymore. In this life, he was a child. No matter how mature for his age, both his body and mind were those of a child. The memories only gave him an edge, and would probably help him as his life went on, but one could not combat biology. His brain did not develop any faster and neither did his thought process and emotions for the most part. The only advantage he had was being a pure blooded hunter. It was the only thing, mostly, that allowed his development to go so far.

He didn't remember much of the walk home, nor how they exited the school. The images of their Master's slashed eye and the crazed face of what had once been a kind, beautiful, young woman were the only things repeating in his mind.

He only vaguely registered as Yagari-shishou left them home, making sure they were settled and closed in – their parents had once again been away on a mission – before going back out. Probably to treat his eye. He wondered if he'd have even lost it had he gotten treatment immediately, instead of having to take care of them first.

That night their parents returned, having been informed by their Master and hurried home. They were rather obviously dead with worry and held them in their arms all night, making sure they were alright. Not before scolding him and grounding him for the foreseeable future, of course.

I

I

The next time he had the occasion to see their Master was four days later. Their parents had gone away for another mission and Yagari-shishou had come to watch over them like usual.

He was laying outside in the garden at that moment, arms behind his head and one leg crossed over his raised knee.

They were supposed to do their running right then but Ichiru had understood Zero needed to do this and urged him to go on in his own way.

Thus, here he was, before their Master once again. He could not stop looking at the white bandages, covering the damage his stupidity had wrought. He knew their Master knew he was there but the man did nothing to acknowledge his presence, letting him take the first step in his own time. Zero felt grateful for it, even though he could not bring himself to speak.

"...It's my fault..." he finally said in a small voice, "because of me, your eye...I'm sorry Master"

He still could not believe himself. He'd thought he understood Level Es were dangerous but living it in person...seeing the change happen to someone he knew...it had been too quick and drastic. He'd not been able to believe the kind and beautiful nurse, who had always taken care of them, could have hurt them so easily. Perhaps it was due to his past memories. He knew, thanks to watching his future self, that level Es could still be snapped out of their blood lust if they had not fallen completely and had enough determination. He'd believed...

"You told me to run, and yet..." he had naively still believed she wouldn't hurt them. Had not been able to see how such a person could become a monster, hadn't wanted to believe there was no kindness left in her, no hope...and his Master had paid for it.

"Heh?"

Yagari-shishou snorted before raising himself, one hand on his raised knee and the other supporting his weight against the soft grass.

"Are you trying to make me regret throwing myself to protect you? Do you want me to regret risking my life to save you? Really...!" he scoffed.

Zero gasped in shock at those words, looking at the man with wide eyes.

"But, Master...wasn't she your fiancée?"

He'd remembered, Before, the one to take Yagari's eye was said to be his fiancée. He'd felt like hurling when making that connection. Was that true here as well? Was she... He remembers, this past year, musing to himself on their Master's strange behaviour around the woman. He was all...soft and... gruff, almost as if embarrassed. Back then he'd chalked it up to her being the first woman he'd really seen him interact with. If that hadn't been the case, however...had he really...

Their Master looked startled then, looking down at him in surprise, but Zero did not miss the flash of pain in that single eye. He clenched his fists, looking down.

"She was, right? And... because of me..."

He wondered whether he'd have snapped her out of it had he not needed to protect him. If they were so close, surely he'd have managed it, somehow...

A warm weight landing on his head startled him. A scoff.

"Tsk. I didn't save you to see this kind of expression" the man said even as his hand ruffled the boy's hair. The gesture was rough but at the same time...incredibly kind and caring.

"Master..." Zero whispered even as the hand rested gently on his small head.

"Honestly...!" he sighed, almost exasperated, "I don't know how you realized it but it was not your fault I shot her. By that point, there was nothing to be done"

Zero looked up then, startled. His wide, watery eyes stared at the man, truly seeing him for what felt like the first time.

He'd watched him countless times before, both in this life and the past one, but he'd never realized just how young he really was. The anime did not let on things like that and since meeting him the man had always appeared larger than life to his small self. Now, however, looking at his worn appearance and wise eyes, he could see it. He felt his respect for their Master, already high as it was, rise exponentially. He was so young and yet...he truly wished he could be exactly like him when he grew up ( _If he grew up. Was he going to, this time?_ ).

"Master...why do vampires...hurt people?"

It was such a childish question, he knew, but he could not stop himself. He still could not erase that beast's face from his head. Those red, red eyes crazed with blood lust, fangs bared even as her throat was crushed. The image simply wouldn't overlap with that of the nurse's kind, warm smile as she took care of them. How could the two be the same? How could being turned into a vampire change such a good person so completely, that she'd hurt two children she cared for just moments before, without hesitation? It all seemed simple in theory and yet, once you lived it, so difficult to accept...

Their Master looked at him almost softly before replying.

"Because they are sorrowful creatures who cannot control their natural instincts..." he closed his eye then, tilting his head down slightly in sombre reflection. At the same time, his big, warm hand moved to Zero's nape, resting there as a comforting weight.

"Therefore, we must hunt them down. I, and the other vampire hunters, including the Kiryuu clan"

Yagari-shishou looked up then, staring intently into Zero's eyes with heavy intent, as if willing him to  _see_.

"Live only for this. Do you understand, Zero? Vampires can only be our foes"

Those words, so harsh despite the soothing and calm voice, and the warm weight of that big, calloused hand, remained with him forever.

He knew, had personally experienced in fact, that a vampire's natural instincts could not be trusted. There'll always be some vampires succumbing to the fight against them, and some who didn't even bother to try. Level Es were extremely dangerous after they had fallen, simply because they had no more control.

In truth, they were simply the mirror of what all vampires could be should they not reign themselves in. A photo of their most basic nature. At least against them, he'll never hesitate again. He couldn't afford to. If nothing else, to put who they once were out of their misery.

He nodded determinedly, resolute and now dry eyes staring up at the man.

"Hai shishou"

He knew it wasn't exactly what their Master intended, referring probably to the vampire race as a whole with his words, but despite what happened on that day he knew, thanks to his memories of Before, that not all vampires were bad. He won't trust in them so naively anymore and would always regard and approach them with wariness from then on but he won't judge completely from prejudice either. Still, he won't let anyone get hurt because of his stupidity and naivety, ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well then guys, this is it.  
> How did it go? Better than last chapter? Worse? The same? I hope it wasn't too boring. Do you like how I'm developing my Zero or not? Let me know what you think! 
> 
> I'd like to thank all the people who took the time to read, Bookmark and kudos my fledging new story. A special thanks to all those who commented: Jazlyn191; Kizmetsoul and Absolute Zero, whom I also thant for the beautiful poem shared (And don't worry, Zero will find happiness in this story at least, even though he'll still have to suffer before that). Thank you all very much.
> 
> Oh, and I also hope you all like how I'm developing Zero and Ichiru's relationship, although admittedly not much was shown yet. Let me know what you think as well, Absolute Zero. Hope it is going in the direction you wished for.
> 
> A/N: As I said, [here](https://www.deviantart.com/neverread) is the link for my new cover. Let me know what you think of it!


	3. And Slowly, Descending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, here is the 3rd Chapter. I hope you'll like it.
> 
> PLEASE NOTE that I made some changes in the previous chapter, in that I moved the Chairman's appearance here instead. The timeline wouldn't have fit otherwise as I found out the twins are, in fact, one year older than Yuuki in canon.
> 
> Aside from that, nothing much happens in this chapter, really...it's more of a filler honestly, but it's necessary nonetheless. I hope you'll like it all the same!
> 
> Many thanks to all the new people who read, subscribed and left kudos and also to all those who came back for my second, and now third, chapter.
> 
> Special thanks to SakuraVixx; Jazlyn191 and Absolute Zero for commenting, I'll leave your replies at the bottom! :)
> 
> Well, that's all I had to say. I'll leave you to the real story now, and please R&R!

After the Incident things turned back to normal, the only visible change being Yagari-Shishou's cool new eyepatch.

As testimony to his superior hunter skills, the man adapted swiftly to the perception shift the loss of an eye brought and resumed their training the moment he'd healed enough. As promised before, they had finally progressed on to more advanced studies, like starting on the basics of weapon handling and combat and more intense hand-to-hand sessions, together with harder physical conditioning.

Alongside their harsher physical training, they'd also progressed on the theory front. Seeing their intelligence, their Master had already started them on the theory behind spells – which was utterly fascinating to Zero as, thanks to his memories of Before, it sounded more like fiction reading than boring theory, and terribly 'cool' – and went on to teach them the intricacies of both Hunter and Vampire societies.

Contrary to the spell theory, this part interested Zero also because of necessity. Not only was he the son of a great lineage of Vampire Hunters and a Hunter-to-be himself but, if he didn't manage to change anything, in the close future he'll become part of Vampire society as well. Some of that information could potentially save his life one day and sure, he knew some of the main parts already, thanks to his memories of Before, but nothing about the inside-scenes mechanics and rules of both societies and there was a lot to learn.

His Other was particularly interested in the theoretic aspect as well. His curious nature made him want to know more about our world and the things they hunt while his frustrated and competitive side made him latch onto spell theory as hard as he could, reasoning they were the one thing he  _could_  do without his weak body getting in the way.

Their Master, seeing their interest and taking into consideration their sharp intellect, began to give them more detailed books and higher and more specific lectures on the subjects. At times like those, he really thanked whoever Up There had gifted them with higher than average minds in this life. Apparently, based on what their Master told them, it was partly due to them being pure-blooded Hunters: all their capacities, both physical and mental, were higher than normal as to be a match to their prey.

He wondered if the other factor was his reincarnation, somehow (like their brain adapting to the higher level of awareness or some other such thing) or if it were the same for canon Zero and Ichiru as well. They certainly seemed intelligent enough in the show.

( _At times, he could almost swear his Other remembered as well. Some words, certain actions, a peculiar_ look _at certain times… he wondered if something had effectively passed through to him. Not everything, just…things –_ It would made sense in truth, they were One after all, weren't they? _– He wondered what he knew…)_

In any case, since The Incident Zero threw himself even harder into their training. He'd vowed nobody would get hurt because of him ever again and was even more set on becoming stronger to protect his Other, now that they had seen with their own eyes what awaited them out there.

He gave his all in conditioning and hand-to-hand, never relenting, always pushing for more, and devoted himself to master all the weapons their Master presented them with. This was a part his Other enjoyed as well, as it did not stress his body out as much – at least for the moment.

They both had what looked like a natural talent for weapons in general, but each particularly favoured a different one. Zero found himself liking firearms more – the concentration and precision needed to aim correctly, the feeling of pulling the trigger, the satisfaction of seeing the bullet hit home, and the speed it all needed to be done at to be effective – he found them a challenge and enjoyed it immensely.

That their Master also used firearms was probably also a factor, due to the high respect and slight hero-worship he found himself feeling for the man. Not that he'll ever admit it of course. Contrary to their Master, however, he enjoyed smaller guns more.

Ichiru, on his end, favoured blades instead. It was beautiful to see him so graceful with a blade in his hands – he looked terribly elegant and deadly, it was a vision to see his frail body move in such a way. He was getting better and better every day, even with all the training sessions he had to skip due to his health.

They were working up to using them equally as good with both hands and Zero already could imagine how his Other would look like, locked in a deadly dance with a blade in each hand. He could almost see it. Their Master could as well if the proud and calculating glint in his eyes as he looked at him was anything to go by.

Ichiru was really dedicated to his blade training as well, practising all the times his body permitted him to, at times even when it didn't, hidden from others' sight. Zero knew, of course, but never said anything about it even knowing it could be bad for his health. He knew what brought it on, the frustration his Other felt with himself, and the need to prove he could be good at least at  _something_.

He knew those feelings could – and probably would if he didn't manage to change anything – be more lethal to his Other than his frail health will ever be. Thus, he said nothing, choosing instead to look out for him in other ways. He always made sure to keep an eye on him on those days, supporting him silently from afar, reassuring himself he didn't collapse from the extra training and making sure he'd be there to catch him should he do.

He would always leave him things to find at the end. Nothing special, just little things like a water bottle, a pill of medicine when he forgot to take it, a towel, a favourite sweet when he did particularly well, simple things like that. His Other knew it was him of course but never said anything either, simply returning the favour when it was Zero who trained till collapsing.

Their Master knew what was going on as well, of course (could always tell when Ichiru or Zero practised outside their allotted training times) but limited himself to brief, well-aimed comments – like pointing out  _extensively_  how stressful going overboard could be for their bodies, even having the opposite effect and damaging them. At which point he usually gave them a  _look_ , making sure they looked out for each other. Not that there was any doubt they would in anybody's' mind.

Their parents started training them as well, teaching them of their family history in more details and teaching them about the spells the Kiryuu family was famous for: Warding Spells. It was apparently their speciality, in that only they could do some of the things their parents told them of. It was, Zero thought, really  _cool_. His Other agreed as well.

Those, however, were about the only good things that year brought. Starting school and getting them in different classrooms was only the beginning of their parents' apparent strategy to separate them, it would seem. With the passing of October and of their 6th birthday, they apparently decided it was high time they both got separate rooms. They presented it as a birthday present, of course, trying to get them to see it on a positive light, having each a  _whole_  room  _all_  for themselves and all of that. Needless to say, they didn't buy into it and were less than pleased.

Ichiru was probably the one to manifest their discontent the most, his Other having always been the more expressive and outgoing of their Whole. Zero was not far behind however, with huge, pain filled eyes, an air of silent despondence and disappointed looks, along with his augmented closeness to his Other any time he could. As if making the best of the time they  _did_  have with each other, to survive the time they would be separated.

Not much different from what he was doing with those years he had left, truthfully. His Other was of course more than on board with it, being the one to initiate most of their contacts like usual and getting extensively clingy on those days.

Their parents looked on with comprehending tolerance at their behaviour, but Zero could not escape the feeling they were trying to get them to separate as soon as possible. After all, he could not forget what he saw in his memories of Before, where they had concluded their only solution was to separate them in the end. He could not help but think, perhaps unkindly, that they were already laying the ground down, now that it was starting to show their training wasn't seemingly doing anything for Ichiru's health. Hunters were practical people after all.

That night Ichiru snuck into Zero's bed once again. He always did that when they slept in the same room, even if they had different beds. Perhaps that was the reason their parents resorted to giving them different rooms, hoping it would change something. It didn't work, obviously. The separation and wait had been  _horrid_ , however.

Zero had been lying awake in wait. He hadn't been able to sleep at all, his body missing his Other's presence and his mind worrying over what was going on with him. If he was feeling well or had fallen sick or felt cold or lonely without anybody to curl up against like he always did. He certainly knew Zero did.

Thus, when he heard the soft footsteps outside his room and the slight creaking as the door opened, he simply looked at those mirrored lavender orbs, filled with apprehension and hesitation, before lifting the covers of his bed and inviting his Other in.

"Ichiru" he called out softly.

His Other didn't make him say anything more and immediately went up to his bed, getting in the space always left appositely for him and curling up into his side, a slight shiver passing along his frame.

Zero automatically tucked his Other in before curling his arms around his small form, pulling him closer. He felt them both relax almost instantly. He certainly felt better now he had his Other back in his arms, where he could make sure he was well, comfortable and happy.

"Nii-chan..." Ichiru breathed softly as he felt his Other's arms wrap around him, head laying on his chest.

"Sleep, I'm here now" Zero whispered back. He passed a hand through the soft tresses of his Other' silver hair, softly humming a melody at the beat of their Heart while Ichiru listened to it from his chest – he always did the same thing when his Other was sick or had trouble sleeping. It always calmed him.

( _Can you hear it, Ichiru? Our Heart, beating exactly in sync. It's the proof we are One after all_ )

Ichiru let out a soft sigh of contentment, letting his Other's familiar voice and their heartbeat lull him to sleep in seconds.

Zero tightened his hold on his twin, looking him over once more to assure himself he was fine, before following him into sleep. A soft sigh echoing his Other's even as the melody slowly died on his lips.

Something good  _did_  come out of their birthday, however: Zero got a camera all of his own. It was the best gift  _ever_ , and he would have been eternally grateful to their parents if not for their enforced separation, but he put it to good use the next day anyway: a teary Ichiru was still a breath-taking Ichiru after all, and he needed the moral lift up.

He always brought it with him now, no matter where they went or the time of day. He even slept with it. One never knew when he would need it – his Other was  _always_  adorable after all, and the occasion to capture him could pop up at  _any time_. Ichiru appeared a little disgruntled by their parent's encouragement of his twin's little obsession but was mostly resigned and exasperated.

"Nii-chan do you  _really_  have to do that  _now_?!" an exasperated Ichiru exclaimed from where he lay on the ground, mud and leaves falling from his hair. They had been running around their grounds when he'd lost his footing on the slippery ground and fell down the wet slope. Autumn was just ending after all, and rainy days always made the ground muddy and difficult to trade.

Zero, of course, had immediately flung himself after his Other. However, after checking he hadn't hurt himself in any way, he'd not resisted taking a picture to immortalize his twin's adorable, flustered and pouting face, mud drippings and all. He cooed internally – his Otouto was  _so cute_!

He briefly wondered if this made him slightly narcissistic but shock the thought away soon after. No matter how alike they were he could never compare to his Other's light.

"Of course," he replied calmly "I have to immortalize every moment of adorableness and Otouto is  _always_ adorable _"_

Ichiru flushed even more at his declaration, groaning embarrassedly as they heard their Master's chuckles from where he had come up behind them, checking to make sure nothing had happened.

" _Nii_ -chan!"

Zero just took another picture.

A flustered, scowling and wet Ichiru was still an adorable Ichiru after all.

The internal memory was already more than half-full but he'll make sure to print all the pictures later on to free up space. He had many more pictures to take.

l

l

Not much else of note happened that year, but at least his question of whether Yuuki had already been changed or not was finally answered that winter.

They had been playing in the snow under their Master' supervision, having a good week-long vacation from their training, for once, when someone unexpected had shown up.

It had taken Zero a while to jolt his memories, especially as he did not remember the man visiting them like that in canon, but once he opened his mouth every doubt disappeared: it was the Chairman, Kaien Cross, in person. The one who'll become his guardian in the not so distant future, should he not manage to change canon, somehow.

It took him barely five minutes in his presence to really understand why canon Zero found him so irritating in the manga. The man was just so…strange and obnoxious, he could not imagine spending a prolonged amount of time in his company. At the same time, however, he could not help but respect the man and think about how his fate would have differed had he devoured his Other in the womb like Cross had.

Listening to him ramble on about his life – In such a fragmented way Zero wouldn't have made head nor tail of it, had he not known beforehand – was a peculiar experience. So different from hearing or reading about it on paper. It hit something deep in him, perhaps especially so as he could feel his Other's presence beside him while listening to it. The man was still strange though, even if he did approve of his passion for taking pictures of his twin. Why he insisted for Zero to be in them as well, however, was a mystery to him.

As for Ichiru, he was simply exasperated another photo maniac had shown up.

The visit was brief in the grand scheme of things, Cross staying only a few hours before going back, but it gave him the information he needed – Yuuki was already living with him, thus her change and the Kuran's death had already happened. For a brief moment, Zero could not help but feel it was karma that Kuran's family was met with the same fate he'll reserve the Kiryuu, but he soon shock the thought away and returned to concentrating on his adorable twin. Those red, puffy cheeks and cute, fluffy clothes were just too much to ignore.

Time went on.

Aside from their hunter training, Zero had started (re)learning about music. He remembered playing a few instruments Before and recently he'd found some old instruments hidden away, probably some leftover of an old music room/family propriety since neither of his parents played.

He'd immediately started tending to them, making sure they were in good condition and tuned perfectly. With a bit of practice and concentration, he was sure he'll be able to replicate what he'd been able to do Before and then do it  _better_. It seemed everything he did in this body came out better than it did Before after all.

Since they were little, and he'd regained enough control of his throat to at least hum, he'd always chanted Ichiru to sleep whenever he was troubled or scared or frustrated about something and he had come to love it. It was something he remembered his first mother doing when he was little and something that had remained with him even in this other life of his. He had wanted to offer the same comfort to his Other and something to remember him by once he almost inevitably left to live his life.

Now though he was thinking of teaching his Other to play as well. He was already frustrated enough with himself and his body. He knew that as the years went on and their parents became more and more discouraged and disappointed with his lacking progress and lack of bettering health, it would only become worse for him.

Zero knew that becoming a Hunter to make their parents and Master proud of him, making them recognize him, was his Other's most important objective right now. He wanted to prove to them he could do it, that he was good enough and that he wasn't a disappointment, they could love him as well.

He knew it was mostly all in Ichiru's head and that their parents and Master loved them both (his Master had a particularly soft spot for his Other, he knew – he fully approved) but it was also true that all of the Hunter society's expectations were pressing down on their parents, and theirs on him, making all three of them feel like Ichiru should do more, be more, was not  _good enough_.

Zero hated it. There were so many other options for his Other: he was so smart and strong, no matter his health, he could be whatever he wanted. He hoped that maybe if he could teach his Other to play, for a start, he could make him see there were so many more things he could be good – perfect – at, he did not need to be the best Hunter, the world was so much bigger than that.

Zero knew he himself would be expected to take on the mantle when the time came, knew he could never get out of it even if he wanted to, but his Other had so many more options open for him. He could be  _anything_. He was perfect after all. Maybe, if he could introduce him to other things he could –  _would_  – excel at, he'd not be as frustrated, as disappointed in himself.

Not that Zero wasn't certain he could become a perfect Hunter as well in time, and once his body got even a little better, but maybe he'd come to hate himself less ( _how can he hate himself he is so beautiful, so perfect, the better part, His_ Other _)_. Would not be brought to such lows as to feel he had to lean on a murdering pureblood's help to feel better ( _so much pain, how could he let him suffer so much, too much, his fault, all his fault, always,_ unforgivable). He could only hope.

First, however, he had to familiarize himself with the instruments once more. He winced at the thought of getting back all the needed calluses, but he'd do it. He'll take care not to get too far ahead however. He wanted to learn alongside his brother after all, showing him there were other things they could excel together at, where he'll not be left behind. He'll  _always_  be better than him.

Settling with a concentrated frown, he got back to work.

l

l

Zero looked despondently down at his Other half.

He hated to see him hurting like this, hating himself always a little more.

A month ago their Master, true to his memories, had finally presented them to another boy, his other student. He was a few years older than them, but Master said they were ahead enough in their training they were could train together. It only made sense to add him, giving all three of them more variety of opponents.

While Zero would never insult his twin enough to hold back against him in training ( _Never, why would he need to? He was so good when he_ could _fight, after all, no matter his lower strenght or stamina_ ) they were really One Whole and thus could mostly predict each other's movements. Not the best for training but it made them one hell of a team at least.

The new boy, Kaito ( _That's right, he remembered now_ ), was cool enough on his own but terribly arrogant ( _He tried to hide it but_   _Zero could see the hurt in his eyes. He wondered what caused it? That pain...He did not remember)_. It seems like he held a grudge of some kind against Ichiru, or perhaps Zero, as he never lost an opportunity to point how his Other supposedly dragged him down and how Zero was just  _too soft._

Sometimes his Other ignored him or retaliated (or Zero did it for him instead) but others the words got to him and he either feigned feeling sick or really got sick from the added stress.

Today was one of the latter cases.

Sighing inwardly, Zero made his way in, careful not to spill the plate in his hands. Before getting in though, he made sure to cancel all negative thoughts and worries from his face and Soul, knowing his twin hated it when he worried and angsted because of him. He'd hate himself even more for being the cause of it, exactly the same way Zero did, no matter if he had real fault for it or not.

Watching his Other turn around at his presence, as if sensing it ( _Of course, One, One Soul_ ), he gave him a small smile and loving look.

"Ichiru" he called, radiating all the warmth he could to eclipse the worry at seeing his weakened form.

"Nii-san" was the raspy reply as Ichiru made to sit up.

"How is your fever?" he asked, lowering his tray on the bedside table and feeling his Other's temperature with his hand.

Ichiru smiled up at him, cradling Zero's hand within his.

"I'm fine onii-chan"

Zero frowned slightly, worry not appeased at all,

"Have you taken your medicine?"

"I'm better now that Zero is here"

Zero threw him a  _look_. "Ichiru…"

His Other threw him a disgruntled look in reply but it soon changed into a resigned sigh after looking into his worried eyes.

"I'll take it before sleeping, promise"

Zero sighed as well.

"Ok" was all he said before turning to take back up the food tray.

"Here, for you. You haven't eaten anything all day" he scolded gently. Ichiru however barely heard him, eyes locked on the plate before them.

"Is that onii-chan's vegetable soup?"

"Of course, it is Ichiru's favourite"

His Other's genuine smile almost melted him then.

"Well, onii-chan's even better than mother's after all"

"Never as good as Ichiru's though"

His protest won him another brilliant smile from his Other before Zero began helping him settle.

They lapse in companionable silence for a while at that, each absorbed in their own thoughts as Ichiru kept eating. He was almost done when Zero noted his Other's mood worsening.

"Is the soup not good?", he asked, knowing it was not the case but still hoping nonetheless.

Ichiru did not reply immediately, not saying anything till he finished his soup. Then, lowering the plate, he finally spoke up.

"Nii-chan really is good at everything, ne? Even cooking. I wonder what I'm needed for, really. Wouldn't it have been better had Zero-nii been born alone?"

The words hit like lead in his stomach. It was not really the first time Ichiru had shown signs of frustration but never had he said such things before. Zero felt his cheerful and calm air fall as guilt and self-hate coursed through him. Without thinking of anything else, Zero threw himself at his Other half, engulfing him in a hug.

Ichiru let out a startled squeak as the two of them fell on the bed, empty soup plate falling forgotten to the floor in pieces.

"Don't ever say such things. Don't listen to Kaito, Ichiru is not useless. He just doesn't understand it, that Ichiru is the better one. Without Ichiru here, I would be nothing"

Zero felt Ichiru still for a moment, taken aback, before his small fingers curled into his shirt as he relaxed into him.

"Heh, Zero really is stupid. You are too kind nii-san, perhaps Kaito is right about you"

Tightening his arms around his Other, Zero's eyes filled with determination. He clenched the small form in his arms closer for a moment before loosening his hold enough to look into Ichiru's eyes. Staring deep into those beautiful lavender pools, he felt himself brim with determination.

"Otouto is not useless. You have so many things you can be the best at. I'll show you, come"

Not giving a surprised and curious Ichiru time to reply, Zero jumped down the bed before carefully picking up his Other in his arms, making sure no part of him touched the ground full of cutting ceramic pieces.

Perhaps it was time he showed Ichiru what he'd been doing in secret those past few weeks.

( _Ichiru's indignant squeaks of protest, of course, went ignored all the way_ )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end for now!
> 
> How was it? Too boring? Should I have gone into more details about their training? And does anyone know any useful information about spells/charms in Vampire knight? I searched around but didn't really find much.
> 
> Now, for those replies! (:
> 
> SakuraVixx: Don't worry it won't be that kind of story. The only feelings Zero will have for Yuuki will be those for a little sister. He /will/ care for her, but only as a brother. As for Kaname...well, he already /has/ romantic feelings for her (supposedly) but we'll work on it hehe.
> 
> Jazlyn191: Thank you for your compliments, I'm glad you're liking how I'm developing my Zero and my story. I hope you liked this chapter as well!
> 
> Absolute Zero: You always touch intresting points. I'm happy you like my Zero as of now and about their bond...I won't spoiler too much but I hope you liked the (pretty big) hint I left in this chapter and don't worry, it won't be broken so easily. They /are/ One after all (;
> 
> Oh, ANOTHER THING: I realized the link on chapter 2 didn't work. I fixed it now, but I thought to put it bere as well just in case hehe...[here](https://www.deviantart.com/neverread) it is, let me know what you think!


	4. What Creates My Own Maddness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, I finally managed to finish the 4th chapter. Sorry for the wait but I just could not seem to be satisfied with this chapter. Still aren't to be truthful but I think it's as good as it's going to get. Let me know what you think and if you find something I should improve upon!
> 
> Aside from that, thank you as usual to all new and old readers and to those of you who commented:
> 
> Porquesi ; Absolute Zero ; Jazlyn191 and LuanRina.
> 
> Thank you very much, I'm always happy to read all you have to say. Like for the previous chapter, I'll leave the replies to your comments at the end!
> 
> A/N: The titles comes from the song 'Getting Away With Murder' by Papa Roach. I don't really give theme songs usually, but I feel like this one really fits the theme for this chapter and for my take on Zero&Ichiru's relationship in general right now. It's also a great song on its own.
> 
> You should go listen to it if you're curious, I'll put the link in the end notes, let me know what you think.
> 
> Now then, I'll leave you to it!

Things went on mostly the same for the next few years but something fundamental had changed on that night. Something had broken back then, Zero could feel it, but something had also gone well. Such a dichotomy of feelings, it suited them well after all, didn't it?

Since that first time, Ichiru had taken to voice those things more and more. It hurt.

Zero knew why he did it ( _how could he not?_ _)_ but it hurt still, perhaps especially _because_ he understood it. The reason was as convoluted and complex as anything else Ichiru, of course. He knew his Other was trying to make him hurt just as much as he did, lashing out when his frustration, hurt and disappointment got too much for him to bear alone. Hating him for having what he could not and lashing out because he could not bear for his existence to be the cause behind Zero's pain and self-hatred ( _Not at fault, never, only his, always his, useless thing…_ ).

At the same time though, he did it when he needed to see Zero's reaction. To feel just how vehemently his twin rejected his self-deprecating words and validated his existence. Zero just hated that his Other felt the need to ask for it. He'd thought he'd already shown how much he loved his Other Half, and knew his twin could feel it through their bond, but it seemed he was in too much pain for it to truly reach him. For it to be ever enough. Still, since then he redoubled his efforts to shower his brother in affection and love as well as showing him other things he could excel at.

The music had been a good start, he felt.

Ichiru had been a bit hesitant on learning at the beginning but after hearing Zero play the first time he'd immediately changed idea and started looking at the instruments with awe. He'd immediately started Ichiru with the piano. He'd seen his twin's face when seeing the huge, white instrument for the first time and had not resisted. It was probably the best instrument to start him with, in truth.

To be honest, it had been a bit strange how many instruments they had hidden away, and all of the highest quality. Zero was secretly convinced they'd once had a music room. It was the only sensible option, really. Some of their ancestors must really have had a passion for music. That or different people had added different instruments and the collection grew. Either way, it looked like music had been an important part of their family a while ago.

Ichiru had been ecstatic at the thought and had immediately latched onto the possibility of finally excelling at something important for their family. Not that he felt their parents would ever consider it even remotely on par with their hunting business, but it was a nice thought.

Over the years they had both gotten a lot better a lot faster than normal, just as Zero had predicted. They both had a favourite instrument but like for their weapon training, they'd endeavoured to get at least moderately proficient at any they could find. As it was, Ichiru was better at playing the violin while Zero preferred the guitar (although neither was too far behind the other). They were both good at playing the piano as well.

It was a bit difficult to know how to proceed. Especially since Zero didn't remember learning anything but the basics and certainly not for every instrument they could play now. Not to talk about finding instructions or videos on the internet. No, they mostly made do with his basic knowledge as a stepping point – Zero patiently coaching Ichiru on it till they were at the same level – before refining it by using the various music books that were locked away alongside the instruments themselves. It was a long and slow progress but still incredibly faster than it would have been possible for him Before.

As expected, his Other really was excellent after all, learning all of that from scratch. Also as expected, their parents did not give their musical successes much importance. They were happy they liked it and proud they were so good at everything they put their minds to, of course, but they did not discern any further purpose behind it and did not fail to push them towards their training more, worried they'll let it fall behind. After all, a hunter had no need to know how to play, however interesting it may be.

Their Master, however, encouraged them and praised them just the same as with their hunter training, making sure to put the two on the same level (although he made sure they absolutely did not slack off). Zero felt their Sensei understood what he was trying to do and supported his intentions wholeheartedly. He understood it was just as important for his Other, if not more. He even gladly listened to their improvised concerts and practices. Zero will never forget Ichiru's face the moment the man said he was better than him at something. He'd made sure to cook the man all his favourite dishes for dinner on that night.

That was another thing. The next subject Zero had convinced his Other to practise on, was cooking. They'd already been able to cook some food, of course, Zero being the first to learn due to taking care of Ichiru when sick and then his Other following right behind him. It was necessary to learn that much, really – what with their parents often away on missions and Yagari-Shishou only knowing how to cook the bare minimum to survive – but he'd convinced him to expand on their skill.

In the end, like for the playing, Ichiru came to love it. Loved that there was something else he could excel at alongside his twin, not falling behind for once. In fact, Zero was pretty sure Ichiru had started to search for other things to excel at on his own as well, outside of those they did together ( _He was so proud. His cute, little Otouto was so_ _adorable_ _, all smug and satisfied for once_ ).

Their Master was especially appreciative of those particular efforts and even learned how to cook a few more things alongside them. He took the opportunity to teach them the importance of balanced diets on their development, the best foods to eat before and during missions and even about what they should bring along on long term ones as well.

Their hunter training had progressed as well, of course, both he and Ichiru having gotten more and more skilled. They'd learned all the useful things they could in the time they had. Kaito had progressed as well and the three of them had learnt to appreciate each other for the most part - even though the older boy still could not help taunting the two of them for their respective 'weaknesses'.

Zero had a feeling that although Kaito found him too soft to be a hunter and really liked to tease him, the boy had more of something against Ichiru than him. He just didn't understand how someone could not like his twin. He was simply perfect and just so adorable, really. The boy must simply be blind.

( _In truth, he felt the boy could sense something off in him, even if he didn't know exactly what. The darkness brewing in his Other's heart, brewing to escape and lash out any chance it got. Zero knew it quite well, of course, but he simply loved it like any other part of his Other. He never could hate any part of him after all, how could he? Especially not when it existed mostly because of him_ )

Weapon-wise, they'd finally progressed far enough to use their chosen ones in both hands mostly equally and their spars had become more intense. Their Master had even started letting them spar against him, both together and individually, and had progressively begun telling them more practical tips for how to behave on hunts, how to track the vampires and how to act in different situations. It was evident the man was building up to taking them along on a real hunt – as observers at least.

The most troubling thing, however, had been Ichiru's health. By now they had all reached the same conclusion Zero had always known – he was not improving. No matter how skilled he was, how precise and deadly his blade was, how dangerous his sharp mind could make him in any situation, his frail body would always hold him back. By now they could both see their parent's frustration give away to disappointment and resignation.

Zero knew where it would lead, he just hoped Ichiru would never hear them talk about it. A vain hope, he knew, especially as he was probably going to be their main topic of conversation at that point.

He just…hated it. So what if Ichiru's body was not as strong as his? If his stamina was lower than his? There were still many things he could do as a hunter and even in a fight, he was still just as deadly in his own right. He'll just have to make sure to end his battles quickly as to not let his fragile body hinder him. Of course, he was not at that point yet, but he could be.

Zero just knew that with enough time and training his Other could accomplish _anything_. And even if that hadn't been the case, then so what? What if Ichirou could not become a hunter like him? What did it _matter_? He was still his twin, his _Other_.

He just knew if they ever sent him away he'd follow without a doubt. Many times, already, he'd contemplated what would happen should he follow him to Shizuka. He did not want to separate after all ( _Never, they were One, always, not meant to be divided, how could it be?_ ) and if his Other could not stay, then what else could he do? However, he did not know if he could bear following the one responsible for their parents' death as her loyal lapdog and... _servant_.

Even then, he might have done it for Ichiru but he knew his twin, contrary to him, probably needed some time on his own to figure out just who he was without Zero' shadow over him ( _why did he need to go away to figure it out? Why could he not be happy beside him? Was he not enough?_ ).

In any case, the closing deadline made him spend even more time taking pictures. Of Ichiru, of their parents, of their Master, of Kaito and of all of them together, as a reminder of those happy times ( _Not happy, not for his Other, he'd not have left otherwise...pain, guilt, hate, despair, not happy, not enough_ ). At the same time, he could not help but admit he'd started resenting their parents just a little bit as well.

How could he not? Even though they loved them both, why could they not accept Ichiru as he was? Why did they not see how it made Ichiru feel? Even with all the pressure they were under, they should concentrate more on him, give it their all, just like he tried to do, to make him happy. That was perhaps the only thing he'd never forgive them. That they made Ichiru feel like he was not loved, was not enough, just to decide to separate them, in the end.

( _It was one of the same reasons he hated himself as well after all_ )

Zero could not help thinking of what would happen once Ichiru left him. He did not want to because it hurt, it hurt so much, but the thought simply always came back, no matter how many times he sent it away. The thought of what he'd do once Ichiru won't need him anymore ( _H_ _ow could he exist without him? This life of his was Ichiru's after all. His body, his mind, his soul, everything he was, existed only for his Other's_ ).

Yet, at other times, he could not help but look forward to that moment. The moment Ichiru'll free himself from his pain and will finally be happy, even if to do so Zero had to stay behind. Like he was doing right then.

Ichiru had gotten sick again after training, that day. As the years passed and his health didn't improve, he responded by pushing his body harder, only making it worse.

Zero hated it but even so, knew he could not tell him to stop. All he could do was tell him he was perfect already as he was and hope it reached him. Other than that, he had to keep his (usually mostly blanc) face happy for him, to not make his Other feel worse with misplaced guilt. Not that he would really be fooled – they were One after all – but that was all he could do. To be the one keeping their Soul and Heart happy while Ichiru could not, so that he could feel it as well.

As usual when his Other wasn't feeling well, Zero had prepared his meal and helped him eat, making sure he was comfortable and had everything he could need. He passed Ichiru his medicine, ruffling his hair, before turning around and making his way to the door. He'd already taken away their empty plates and now needed to go wash the dishes. This was a ritual they'd developed in time.

By then it was Zero who took care of Ichiru when sick, even if their parents were home. He knew he often made it worse with his presence at those times, but like when they were in the womb, Zero was the only thing that calmed him even when Zero was the reason he was upset in the first place. As for him, he still could do nothing but want to embrace his twin.

Just as he was about to exit, however, Ichiru's voice stopped him with his hand on the handle.

"Why were we born separately?"

His voice came out soft and haunted, but Zero could feel the darkness hiding underneath. It hit him like a shot to the chest. It always did.

He jerked around, staring at his twin with what he knew to be a pained face. Those feelings were not uncommon any more. Even if Ichiru didn't voice them all that often if he could restrain himself, they both still knew they were there.

"…to be born as part of Zero would be so much better than to be born like the trash I'm now", continued Ichiru, raising his medicine before his face with an inscrutable look.

"What…was I born for?"

That was as far as Zero could bear to hear that night as in the next moment he threw himself at his other half, in a mirror of what had come to pass that first time, years ago. This time, however, it would seem he'd failed to calculate the distances correctly in his rush, as he felt his Other's head hit against the bedpost before falling on his pillow.

"Ah! It hurts, my head got hit…"

He heard his twin's complaints at his uncommonly rough treatment, but he could not say anything at that moment, his throat feeling clogged.

"Zero…?"

"Sorry…Ichiru…" Was what he managed to force out at least, the words were barely audible as it was. Ichiru still heard them though and Zero felt him turn, head looking straight ahead, body going pliant in his embrace.

"It hurts just a little, you don't have to apologize so seriously"

Zero tightened his hold just a little at that before getting up, one arm at either side of his Other's head as he looked down at him. He could feel it, in the look of his eyes, the tone of his voice, in his very soul. He knew Ichiru did it on purpose, to hurt him. Because at that point only when seeing ( _feeling, feeling, it hurt, so much…_ ) Zero hurt by what he said, could he sharply sense the feeling of being part of their Whole. He did not know whether knowing that he knew made it better or worse.

He felt Ichiru's hands move then. First one, softly cradling his head, then the other, encircling his neck and bringing him closer ( _closer, closer, always closer_ ) till their foreheads touched, then closer still as Ichiru brought him down beside him. Zero could feel his Other's pain, how lost he felt, how the darkness ate at him, brewing right under his skin. He knew what his Other was asking him ( _'_ _What should I do, nii-san?'_ ) but he had no reply to give him ( _'_ _I don't know, Ichiru'_ ).

Even though he knew what his twin was thinking, what should he do? What could he do besides shower him with love and showing him how happy he was at being everything he needed him to be? What else could he do to show him he was good enough as he was? That he did not need to be better, do better, he was already loved. He did not know.

That Ichiru's body was born frail like that, was his fault. He took away the other half inside their mother's body. Took it away and made it his own. Just like vampires.

"Hey…Zero, what are you thinking?"

Ichiru's voice broke through his musings then as he focused back on him.

"Let me guess?"

"Eh?"

Zero flinched a little at that, knowing his twin knew exactly what was passing through his mind but not wanting him to.

His Other's eyes narrowed slightly before he sighed inaudibly. One of his hands rose to his head then, caressing his hair the same way Zero did with his so often. He brought them back closer, foreheads touching once again. They could feel their breath mingling together, becoming one outside their bodies.

( _...Can't we be like this? Like the air we breathe? Joining together and separating as it pleases, almost playful, intimate. Do you feel it too, Ichiru? This need to be closer..._ )

"You are too hesitant. You will not become a powerful hunter if you stay like this" Ichiru said tightening his hold a little, his eyes closing.

Zero basked in his Other's embrace, letting his Other's love and darkness lavish him. He knew what his Other was talking about but at the same time, he knew he'll become whatever Ichiru wanted, without hesitation.

"And, the things you cannot tell to me, remember to tell it to mum and dad"

Almost like chilling waters hitting him, Zero's body froze at those words, rousing him from his contented state. He knew, of course he knew, but still...

"Zero, there are things you are hiding from me, right? It worries me"

His Other tightened his arms around him, bringing him closer still. Their noses were touching by then, but it was still not enough ( _N_ _ever enough_ ). Zero held his body rigid a breath longer but then let himself go completely, relaxing into his Other's embrace once more.

"Yeah..."

He opened his mouth, wanting to spill everything to his twin, but then he stopped, hesitant. Could he really bring everything down on him? Could he really burden him with the truth? Perhaps he _should_. It would be the right thing to do, but...Zero wound his arms tight around the fragile body between them, mouth closing. In the end, it was he who wasn't strong enough, wasn't it?

( _him, his fault, useless,_ _weak_ _)_

They remained like that for a little while, basking into their closeness, each lost in their own thoughts. But then a thought came to Zero's mind. He rose up immediately, worried.

"Ichiru, you have not taken your medicine yet"

His arm was already reaching out as he spoke but Ichiru's hand stopped it, making him look down. His other wasn't looking back at him though.

"I don't need it, I won't heal because of the human's techniques"

His voice was far away as he turned towards him. Then, probably sensing his emotional state, his eyes softened, a warm, loving smile directed at him.

"I feel much better when Zero is here"

Zero felt their Heart shudder at that, both love and guilty anxiety eating at him. Yeah, he was right. No human medicine. Lowering himself back down, Zero gathered Ichiru back into his own arms, trying to infuse him of all his love.

"Ichiru, you are the better part of me"

He felt his Other still in his embrace at those words, shocked at the sentiment and sureness of them.

"You're not trash, you are everything I need to live. I love you. I'll become everything you need me to, so you should use my body as you wish because it is yours. We are one sole soul after all, Ichiru"

His Other remained still for a few more moments after that, before his arms sneaked back around him and held him tight, head hidden in the crook of his neck. Zero felt a small smile touch his skin. They fell asleep like that, lulled into darkness by Zero's voice and Heart humming in sync.

He did not know how much time had passed when their mother came to their room next. He came immediately aware though, even with the drowsiness weighting his eyes closed.

"Sleeping together again?" she asked half teasingly, half exasperatedly at the sight.

He felt her come closer then, reaching out to them and tucking them under the sheets.

"I'm back. Sorry it's so late. Goodnight Ichiru. Goodnight Zero"

Her hands caressed each of their heads lovingly as her soft voice spoke to them. She always did this when she was home. He wished she would stop. The warmth she equally gave, it belonged all to Ichiru, but he took it away from him. She should give it all to his Other. Ichiru was the one who needed it after all. That deserved it. He did not deserve to be loved instead. Those thoughts plagued him long after she left, his arms tight around his Other as he held him close in his embrace.

l

O

l

It was only a few weeks later when it happened. He'd been waiting for it by then.

Their parents were staying home for the next week and he knew they had something planned. Their Master had come to train them for the last time in the next while and by then it was time for greetings. Ichiru had gotten a peculiar expression at that and before long announced he was not feeling well.

That day, it was only him seeing Yagari-Shishou off.

Just as his figure left his sight, however, a blur slammed against him, hands around his neck.

"Zero!"

Zero looked at his cheeky brother in surprise before pulling back just a little, hands on his shoulders as he observed him worriedly.

"You have a fever, you should go back in and lie down, Ichiru…"

His Other' smile immediately left his face, a serious expression replacing it for a moment before he let out a little sigh, head lowering against Zero's as he closed his beautiful eyes.

"The fever was a lie. You should know that"

He knew. Of course he knew, and Ichiru knew he did, probably the reason behind his expression right then. He still could not help himself, however. Winter was always a delicate season for him after all.

"You didn't want to come to Master's send-off?"

"Because I am, at best, a bothersome student"

After saying those words, however, Ichiru must have sensed his unease at them because soon after he wound his arms back around his neck, hugging him closer.

"It's all right…I only need Zero to like me"

Zero tightened his hold, opening his mouth to protest. He knew by then Ichiru won't believe his words, but it was still important he heard them from someone. Just before he could speak, however, something happened. Something that froze his heart in one single instant. He felt Ichiru move, pulling away slightly from him, but he could not move at all, mind completely blown.

"Snow?"

It was the sweet voice of his twin that brought him back, giving him enough strength to steel his heart. For now.

"Wrong, Ichiru…" Zero said, finally turning around with one hand still on his brother' shoulder, "it's the warped blooming of cherry blossoms".

He saw her, then. The woman who'll kill their parents and take his Other away. The vampire who'll bring him happiness where he could not. Hio Shizuka. The mad blooming princess. A shudder passed through his heart at her sight, but he did not know how he felt. He was numb.

It was strange, to see her in person when he'd spent the past decade seeing her in his nightmares. He looked at her delicate figure, at her elegant posture, at her silver hair (so like his and Ichiru's) at the way that lone tear made her appear oh-so-fragile while only enhancing her beauty.

"What a beautiful person…"

The slight surprise in Other's voice brought Zero's attention back to him, watching his eyes fill with slight awe and something else as he stared at her. It was enough a foreshadowing of what would happen that Zero felt his heart break once again before managing to steady it back.

Still trying to avoid their inevitable destiny, he took his Other's hand, a desperate last attempt to not let them meet.

"Let's hurry back, Ichiru", he said while starting to drag him away, "I'm sure kaasan and tousan are looking for us"

Surprised, Ichiru felt himself being pulled along.

"What's wrong, Zero?"

Zero did not turn around as he replied, still trying to put as much distance between them as he could.

"That's _a vampire_ "

"Oh…I could not tell"

It was the despondency in his twin's voice that made him stop finally, but before he could even turn around, he felt his Other's arms wound around his neck, holding on tight.

"…Ichiru?"

"Zero is really strong…whatever I lack in, Zero can always do"

"Ichiru…"

Not turning around, Zero brought up one hand to his Other's head, lovingly caressing his head as the other held him in his arms tight.

"Whatever you can't do right now, I'll do it for you. No matter what, till the day you won't need me anymore"

****O** **

That night found them once again in bed together, Zero softly cradling his twin's reddened face as harsh breaths escaped him.

"Ichiru, you have a fever…it's because you were walking around in the cold today…"

Worried, Zero held him closer, sharing his body heat.

He felt their mum enter the room just then, hearing the door open as she came in.

"So, you are hiding in Zero's bed, after all. Are you ok, Ichiru?"

"Mum, he has a fever"

Before she could even finish speaking, Zero had already sat up on the bed and turned towards her, ready to go get the medicine himself. At that moment, however, he felt his twin's delicate hand weakly tug at his sleeve, trying to hold him down.

"Don't go, Zero"

Their mum chuckled at that.

"It's ok, Zero. I'll get it for him. Don't you think he really loves Zero's company?" she said, turning back and returning back downstairs.

There was a moment of silence as she left before Ichiru's voice broke through it.

"Maybe it's impossible for this kind of weak body to become a hunter…hey, Zero…that vampire we saw today, do you think mum or dad…or other hunters could have exterminated her?"

Zero hummed, not really wanting to think about it as he felt another knife stab right through his heart at hearing his Other mention that woman again.

"Who knows…she's a pureblood but I think if they've been placed on the list, you should be able to do it"

"Zero also has a future in exterminating vampires…but can it be done? They say if it is Zero, it'll be easy…"

"Ichiru…you don't need to worry. That's why Master is here to teach us"

"You talk as if it's an obligation…aren't you overloading yourself to cover up for me?"

Zero's eyes widened at that, before an arm rose to his other's head, holding him close as their forehead touched.

"That's not true Ichiru…I'm happy to be whatever you need of me. Don't you know? Making Ichiru happy makes me happy"

Ichiru's arms came around him as well, borrowing himself into his embrace.

"Besides, I know Ichiru can be whatever he wants to be. You are so perfect after all"

"That's not true onii-chan…" Ichiru's embarrassed voice came muffled into his shirt and Zero steeled himself for what he was going to say. What needed to be said, even if it broke his heart.

"Of course it is. Soon, it'll be better for you, you'll see, and then you'll be happy again. That's the most important thing after all"

Ichiru fell silent at that, a strange stillness in his body. Zero felt he was thinking about something and didn't press further, letting him gather his thoughts. Finally, he spoke.

"Is it really?"

"Huh?"

"Is it really the most important thing?"

Ichiru's voice was sombre and pondering as he spoke and Zero was left shocked at his words. What did he mean by that? Before he could open his mouth to ask or protest, however, his Other spoke on.

"At times, I think I can see it, you know? What you hide. There are things...sometimes I see things that scare me. In our minds. I can see myself do horrible things, and yet...am I a monster, Zero?"

Zero jerked, shocked. He'd suspected. Of course he'd suspected, how could he not? There had been too many signs but still, he'd hoped...hearing him say those things now, he felt their Heart bleed. Without hesitation, his arms rose to embrace his Other, holding that fragile body tight to his own as they looked at each other, foreheads still pressing close till the point it almost hurt.

"Never"

The pure conviction borne by that single word alone startled his Other. Big, lavender pools looked at him - searching for something, lost, hoping. Zero stared back with firm determination, trying to pass his love and certainty to him.

"No matter what may happen, you'll never be a monster. Ichiru's happiness _is_ the most important thing and that's why…that's why no matter what you do, if you feel you need to do it to be happy…I'll always be on your side. You are my Soul after all…" his voice broke at that, his breath hitching slightly.

"Nii-chan?" Ichiru asked equally as brokenly, pulling back to look him in the eyes, "That woman, is she..."

"She is"

His voice was sombre but his eyes were filled with love, overflowing in their Soul.

"You'll remember, right? There is _nothing_ you can do that would make me love you less"

"But…"

Zero did not let him finish though, looking straight into his eyes. Burning love and determination shone through his usually blanc face, trying to impress the importance of his words on him.

"Promise me you'll remember, Ichiru.

"…I will, onii-chan, I love you too…"

( _It was necessary. After all, he had to make sure. Even if the events he'd seen Before were to repeat themselves,_ he had to make sure _his Other will never forget for a moment. He could not stand the thought of him thinking Zero hated him, for he'll always stay on his Other's side, no matter what_ _)_

They embraced tightly after that, once again lulled to sleep in each other's arms. Zero' sleep was only disturbed when he felt his twin leave the bed a while later.

"Ichiru…?" he called out sleepily.

"You can go back to sleep, I just want a glass of water"

"Ok…"

Zero's eyes followed his Other's figure till he left the room, face blanc. Then, he rose as well, silently going after him.

His presence was but a shadow by the wall, eyes unreadable as he listened to what went down. He was already in bed by the time Ichiru came back. Nobody knew.

l

O

l

A few days later found their parents packing.

Zero and Ichiru stood side by side at the door, observing them.

"You're moving out again?"

Their mother hummed.

"Yes, of course. It would be better for this house if we didn't know…about vampires"

He felt Ichiru stiffen beside him at that, his hands fisting loosely at his sides.

"Ichiru?"

His Other just turned away.

"It's nothing…there aren't only bad vampires you know? You are overly suspicious!"

"Right…"

Ichiru didn't say anything further as he marched away, putting on his coat.

"Ichiru, wait! Where are you going…?"

He called out at his Other, running after him.

"I'm fine! I'm going out to get some fresh air"

"Ichiru!"

Finally managing to grab his Other's hand he stopped in his track, holding him back. He felt almost desperate at that point. He knew then. It was the moment. It had come in the end.

Ichiru turned around then, an inscrutable expression on his face. After looking at his twin, however, it softened, losing some of its hard determination.

"Zero…I…"

Zero did not let him speak further before cutting in, clutching his hand harder as to not let him take it away. He felt like it was one of the most important moments of his life. The moment of truth.

"You'll remember, right?"

Ichiru looked at him in surprise, not understanding what he meant.

"What…?"

"You'll remember, right?" he repeated, staring straight at his Other. "The promise?"

It took a few moments but soon he saw comprehension draw into Ichiru's eyes. His expression became strangely vulnerable as he looked at him then, almost broken.

"Nii-chan…"

Zero interrupted him again however, just hugging him tightly once more before quickly stepping back, afraid he'll never let go if he held on even a moment longer.

"I just felt the need to say it again, right now."

Ichiru averted his eyes at that.

"Nii-san is so strange. Don't worry, I'll be back soon. I just want to take a breath of fresh air"

With that said he turned back around, running out of the house. Zero could do nothing but stand there and watch his back through the door. That, he knew, would be the last time they'll be together in a long time.

After staring for who knew how long, he finally drew himself from his thoughts. Zero took a deep breath, trying to somehow prepare himself for what was going to come. The wheels in his head were going like crazy, trying to find a solution, a way out. There must be _something_ he could do, right?

Even though he'd never hate Ichiru and would forgive him anything, he didn't want their parents dead either. But what could he do against a pureblood? Could even their parents do something? Steeling himself as much as possible, Zero took another steadying breath before turning around and running back to their parents. He had no idea what he could do, but he'll try his damnest for sure anyway.

The next few hours were a blur of anxiety and pain to him and yet were inexorably burned into his mind. He remembered the feel of that woman's presence drawing closer as he tried to warn his parents of the danger. He remembered their screams, as they were cut down right before him, their blood spraying everywhere and their faces filled with pain and worry for him.

He remembered feeling those filthy fangs entering his neck. It hurt. It hurt so much… he barely paid attention to that woman's words as she did it and yet he knew, he'll remember them for the rest of his life.

( _"_ _I'll give you…an even more damned destiny"_ )

Then, he remembered his Other's face.

"Ichiru…"

He did not say much, only looking at his twin's face. Trying to ignore the pain, he watched Ichiru take the scene in. He saw the surprise settle in first, the shock at witnessing such a gruesome sight for the first time. Then, he smiled. Zero felt his heart warm again then, the reaction almost overshadowing the incredible pain he was in, feeling his body change from the inside out.

No matter that he knew what that smile meant and what other emotions hid behind it, he still felt their Heart skip a beat. It was one of the most genuine ones his Other had given in the last years to anyone but him.

"Ichiru…"

He made himself call out again, his voice scratchy over his burning throat.

"You'll remember, right?"

His Other' smile faltered at that, uncertainty and guilt settling in for the first time as he finally focused upon his form. Then, his eyes landed onto his neck, and Zero watched as first shock, then pained understanding flashed through them, the smile wiped completely from his face. So Zero offered him one of his own. It was a feeble, pitiful, little thing he felt, but hoped it still showed his emotions all the same. "Always"

The shock came back then and Zero could almost swear he saw his Other's eyes become lucid with tears. He could not really tell whether it was the truth or simply a trick of his mind, though.

"What a strange little boy"

That Woman's voice broke through their connection at that point and Zero felt himself being lowered to the ground. She laid him there with mocking gentleness before getting up and delicately cleaning her mouth with a handkerchief. It was such a strangely dichotomous sight to see, something so normal and polite done in such a beautiful and graceful way, after such a barbaric act. The blood certainly didn't help either, noted Zero absently.

"It's painful, isn't it? Are you scared?" she asked, looking at him. Her voice a mimicry of care.

Zero stared straight at her, saying nothing.

"You parents hunted down every one of my beloved brethren…this is my revenge", she continued, coming closer, but Zero could barely concentrate on her words by that point. Besides, he knew why things came to that point. He'd heard his parents, weeks ago, as they talked about it – the thing he'd waited and listened for since he became aware of the world he was in.

"Since members of the Kiryuu family are infamous vampire hunters…this is my privilege as a pureblood…"

They had discussed it when they'd thought themselves alone. They'd received the order from the Association and had long discussed the risks. They had known the target was particularly close with its Master but in the end, they'd decided they couldn't turn their back on the mission. Especially so if there was a risk of fighting against that woman.

They were few of the hunters who'd stand any chance of surviving the encounter, so they could not, in good conscience, pass it off onto someone else. Moreover, it was their duty to eliminate vampires once they'd fallen.

They did not know the target was Shizuka's beloved lover and had no reason to doubt the mission's veracity. Had no reason to think they were being set up. He'd tried persuading them against taking the mission up, but there had been no way of convincing them.

Zero was shocked from his confused contemplations as That Woman's form suddenly disappeared from before his eyes – only to reappear immediately after, crouched down behind him. He could not help startling even as he reflexively aimed his fiercest glare towards her.

It did not matter that he knew who really was behind her actions, it did not matter that she was the one who'll make his Other happy. At that moment, he knew with all of himself he could never forgive what she did to him, nor for being the one who could make Ichiru happy in his place, the one who was going to take him away.

"You look like a child, yet you make such an expression…you are the second person who has faced me with such a strong emotion"

Her words made him sick.

"Shizuka-san"

His Other's words broke through their little stare down then, calling back both of their attention. Ichiru did not look at him anymore, eyes fixed on that woman's figure, and Zero tried not to let that bother him. He knew the reason after all.

"If we don't go soon, we might get caught by the council" he urged. Then, seeing the vampire still lingering behind, he pressed on, voice unreadable, "Are you regretting it, after finally carrying out your revenge?"

"I'm fulfilled now, Ichiru…because I got my revenge on the Kiryuus…and also because I gained such an interesting thing…"

Then, after a final oh-so-loving, mocking caress to Zero's hair, she finally got up and made her way outside.

His Other did not turn back once as he went after her, but Zero did not take his eyes away for even a second, not even to blink. He looked at his retreating back, watching it disappear together with that vampire's as the snow fell around them. That, he knew, would be the last he'll see of him for the next how many years.

He struggled till he could no longer feel his Other's presence before finally letting go and giving into the darkness' waiting embrace. Only another thought passed through his mind before his consciousness faded completely: that day was the last one he'll live as a human, ever again.

( _It's snowing again. Isn't it fitting? Just like that time, now, it came for his second death as well – the death of his humanity_ _)_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, how did it go? Is it really worse than the other chapters or is it only my impression?
> 
> In any case, what did you think of my take on those happenings? Did you like it or hoped for something better?
> 
> And about the theme song, [here](https://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrEzeKw1z1dGUEAj1xFDQx.;_ylu=X3oDMTJkaDVjczdnBHNlYwNjZC1hdHRyBHNsawNzb3VyY2UEdnRpZAMEcnVybANodHRwczovL3d3dy55b3V0dWJlLmNvbS93YXRjaD92PUVVRGdKX0QwRnhn/RV=2/RE=1564362800/RO=10/RU=https%3a%2f%2fwww.youtube.com%2fwatch%3fv%3dEUDgJ_D0Fxg/RK=2/RS=9hOYYWJcOIb7m0UNOiAdo6B3FZc-) is the link as I said. What do you think? Do you think it fits as well or not? Do you know any other which you feel would fit better?
> 
> Let me know your opinions and thank you for reading!
> 
> Now, about those replies:
> 
> Porquesi: Thank you, I'm very glad to hear that. I hope you won't be disappointed with how I'll develop their relationship in the future and don't worry, it won't end like in canon, even if it may take a while to get there.
> 
> Absolute Zero: Your comments and idea are always interesting. As you've read, the idea of Zero and Ichiru as a hunter duo must be momentarily postponed but don't worry, it isn't a definitive thing! I'm glad you liked their relationship so far though and that it made you smile. that game sounds interesting as well, I think I'll go look it up sooner or later!
> 
> Jazlyn191: Thank you for your comments, I'm always rather worried about my take on Zero and whether he may get too unbelievable or Mary-Sueish, thus I hope you'll point it out to me if that happens!
> 
> LuanRina: Thank you it makes me happy to know you enjoy my story and the way I write Zero and Ichiru's relationship. I hope you won't be too disappointed with the outcome of this chapter but as I already said, it won't be the end of their bonds, no way. Also, I'm glad to know you liked my cover as well!
> 
> A/N: A question, would you prefer it if I left replies via comments or is this way ok? I ask because I'm not quite used to it and it feels rather strange to me...but if you'd like it better then let me know!


	5. Chapter 5: Face Everything and Rise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There, it’s finally done.  
> Here it’s the sixth chapter guys. A bit late in coming but long to make up for it (I hope). Just in time to celebrate (cough*mourn*cough) the end of summer and the start of normal life once again.
> 
> About the story: till now things have gone mostly according to canon, aside from some differences within my Zero. However, after this chapter we will start seeing some divergencies.
> 
> Ps: The title comes from yet another song by Papa Roach. I felt the name fit, is all.
> 
> Thanks as always to all of you who read, left kudos, subscribed and bookmarked my story, old and new. Also special thanks to all who left comments as well: Jazlyn191; Absolute Zero and Livelovelaughapps. Thank you guys, for your continued support.
> 
> A question: would you prefer it if I answered you in the comments? Or is it allright if I leave your replies at the end of the chapter? Let me know!

In some of his darkest moments, he’d wondered what being turned would feel like.

Would he feel his genetic make-up change? Would his mind be changed as well, somehow? Would he feel it as it did? Would he feel his bones and muscles change? Becoming something else, something stronger, faster, more resistant. Never could he have imagined the real pain, however. It was like his very blood was burning inside him, starting from his throbbing throat – rending everything to ashes before building it anew, just different.

Now that his Other was no longer there ( _Never again, left, alone, separated,_ why _?_ ) he’d nothing left anchoring him to reality and his muddled consciousness finally gave in to the pain at least. It overtook all his senses in a breath. For a while, it was all he could feel and he lost himself into it.

When he finally focused again, he could hear people talking and feel their ( _No,_ his _now, he should start talking for himself from then on, shouldn’t he?_ ) Master was beside him, holding up his limp body. Numb and still not fully coherent, he somehow managed to recount what went down as asked, in stilted words. Well, only three, really: ‘Mad-blooming princess’, and ‘gone’. His voice an emotionless drone.

He did not react when they realized what the blood on his neck meant, nor when they started arguing about what would happen to him now. What did he care about it anyway? Without his Other, he had no future to bother about. He lost most of that conversation, his attention only briefly caught when his Master told him they were going. He did not say anything as the man enveloped him in something warm before escorting him outside. He could only feel the cold.

Some distant part of Zero’s brains realized he must have gone into shock or something at that point, recalling that keeping warm was an important step to ward it off. It was no more than a passing thought, however, immediately forgotten.

He barely even understood his Master’s words, only vaguely hearing something about calling a friend and staying with him for now. He though Master said something about running the case and trying to find Ichiru. He did not bother to tell him there was no need, although perhaps he should have. He did not say anything at all. He only registered his Master exchanging place with someone else by the way he ruffled his hair before leaving. He did not bother with greetings.

Cross-san was especially grave that night. It was strange to see him like this, he mused absently. The last time he’d been such a weirdo and even in the anime, this side of him was only shown a few times, really. That distant part of him, which could still vaguely feel something, felt glad the man did not go about with his usual antics. Zero did not think he could have borne it right then.

He was sure the man said something during their travels, but Zero did not pay much attention, losing himself with looking out of the car window ( _When did they get inside a car anyway? Well, who cared, it was not important. Nothing was anymore_ ). The man had probably just been telling him where they were going in any case, something he did not need to pay attention to – he already knew after all.

Oh. That’s right. He’d be meeting Yuuki now. He wondered what he will feel seeing her. Nothing probably. He only really felt nothing right then. He’d wondered about how their first meeting would go a few times over the years, but now it was the moment he could not even bother to think about it.

He must have lapsed again then because when he came to, they were standing in front of a door, Cross’ hand on his shoulder. Then it opened, and a little girl came out excitedly yelling Cross’ name. She immediately quieted at seeing them though, likely startled at his presence and sensing the sombre atmosphere. That same distant part of Zero’s brain noted that she really looked like any other little girl for an ex-pureblooded vampire.

“Yuuki…this boy’s parents were killed by a vampire. it’s a miracle he managed to survive. Please look after him while he’s staying with us, okay?”

He vaguely heard the chairman’s voice over his ringing ears, explaining his situation to Yuuki. He distantly felt the need to scoff. A miracle. Right. It was all due to his Other…to Ichiru that he was even alive. His heart broke thinking why.

“He’s still covered in blood, so give him a bath first” continued the man, “I have to go talk to the police”, and then he was gone, leaving the two of them alone.

Yuuki fidgeted for a moment, unsure.

“Umm…let’s go run you a bath”

He felt her stare on him, heard her trying to talk to him, but did not bother reacting. What was the point anyway?

“It’s okay if I touch you…?”

She approached slowly, hesitatingly raising a hand towards him. When she saw he did not react, she finally made contact, leading him along with care.

Zero did not register her leaving him but she must have, as when he heard her next the bath was ready. She brought him inside the room.

“The bathtub is already filled with hot water, so take as much time as you want”

“…”

“…”

She fidgeted again.

“…umm…so…shall I help you take this off…? Your clothes…”

Still with slow, careful, movements, she reached towards him again, taking off the warm thing surrounding him. It was only then he realized it must have been their… _his_ Master’s jacket. It’s familiar scent only really registering now. It was comforting. He distantly noted his chest was bare underneath and still covered in blood. His, and his parent’s.

Yuuki stared at all the blood for a moment, startled, then worry settled in her eyes as she took a clean cloth and drew it into the bathwater, wetting it.

“Do you mind if I wipe that? On your neck…”

Like it would ever get off. No, by then it was inside him, there was no way to wipe it out. That Woman’s filth…

Seeing his continued apathy, Yuuki hesitated a bit again before apparently steeling herself. Her touch was soft and gentle while cleaning him, and for the first time that night it almost made him feel something. It was…warm. It was brief though, and soon it passed as well, swept under the numbness.

He could almost taste her relief at seeing his clean neck, but he felt none of his own. He could imagine what she’d found: nothing. His would was…healed.

The rest of that night was all another giant blur (He seemed to have many of those, didn’t he?). Yuuki helped him bathe and dress again, the chairman having returned with some clean clothes by that point. The two exchanged some words and tried talking to him again, but Zero simply stared on, dead-eyed. he felt dead inside. _Hollow_. Like a part of him had been torn out, leaving behind only a gory, gaping hole.

Somehow, he found himself in a foreign bed, thick blankets tucked in, alone. He stared at the ceiling, trying not to think.

He hoped Ichiru was doing well…they were too far apart to feel anything from each other at that point. It was…a strange sensation. He hoped he didn’t feel lonely, wherever he was. It was only after a few good hours of staring that he fell asleep, alone for one of the only few times in his life.

( _He wondered if he’ll still fell sick as often as when not around him? Probably not, right? Pure blood was supposed to be miraculous, after all, and that woman had promised to take care of him. Zero ignored the pang of jealousy at that, reminding himself he should just be happy for him_ )

l

O

l

The next few days progressed in mostly the same way. Zero didn’t come out much, useless to go to the bathroom. He slept or ate what they left for him and he did not talk useless absolutely necessary.

The chairman had come to him a few times to talk, to explain a few things and try to cheer him up. He also inquired a bit more on the happenings of that night, but Zero did not have much to add ( _He’ll never tell them what he knew, what his Other did. Their Master probably knew anyway or will suspect soon. He was the one who knew them the best after all, even more than their parents_ ).

Cross had converted back into his cheery persona and that small part of Zero distantly thought he would’ve found it annoying, were he still feeling anything at all. He told Zero he would be staying with them from then on, but it was hardly a surprise to him. He’d known the day had been coming for years. Then he let him alone saying he was always welcome to come out of his room and get to know him and his adorable little daughter. Zero felt a pang go through his heart at that, thinking about his own adorable little otouto.

Yuuki did not show herself much, mostly when she brought him his food trays. She probably felt timid with him around, he reasoned. She _did_ lead quite an isolated life after all. He could see her spying on him every now and again though, so still curious. Zero u usually just ignored them both, going on as he was. Staring blankly at the ceiling.

He did not do much thinking or feeling at all in those days. He’d often wondered how he would have felt when the separation came. He’d always thought he would feel sad and angry at least, but now he just felt hollow. And numb. Hollow and numb. He had no times to think or feel most times, his mind hovering in a clouded haze of nothingness. Really, he's not even had the energy to think about his parents’ deaths and his Other leaving him for good. Perhaps it was for the best.

( _Their bloodied corpses flashed through his mind, pale faces frozen in a wordless scream as they reached towards him. Their eyes kept looking at him, lifeless, accusing. It was his fault after all, his fault, he should have done more…The back of his Other getting farther away every time. He’d not been good enough for him either. He couldn’t make him happy at all and made him feel like that was the only way. His fault. His. Useless, murderer, not enough, he was not worthy of their love…)_

The meeting with Yuuki had not awakened any particularly strong feelings either. He’d always imagined feeling…well, _something_ at least, seeing her. She was an ex pureblood, after all, and the woman (well, girl now) that was supposed to birth his son. He’d always thought she’d be some kind of…special existence, perhaps. The (very) distant part of him that could still feel had almost been…disappointed by how normal she was instead.

In truth, he did not know what else he should have expected, really. Perhaps, with the way the manga went on about her, he’d been unconsciously expecting to see goodness and angelic beauty radiate from her. That had been incredibly stupid of him, thinking back ( _What a surprise, him being stupid. When was he not? Stupid, so stupid, always, always stupid. Not good enough._ Useless. _Why did he never do anything right?_ ). After all, for the moment she _was_ a normal girl. A normal, _human_ girl at that. Not a pureblood anymore, nor a character on a page. She was a person, and a little girl. Still, had he been able to feel, he’d have felt…disappointed. Instead, he could not feel a thing.

Even being a vampire now did not affect him overly much. He knew he would _never_ eat his Other, so he guessed in this realty his destiny was already set. Not that he cared overly much. His Other had no more need of him now, after all, and what life could be worth living without a purpose? If he got any luck maybe the blood tablets will work on this version of him and he’ll never have to bite anybody. He won’t let that happen either. After all, canon Zero only completed his transformation because Yuuki had wandered in at the wrong time, not listening to his warnings of staying away. Stupid girl.

Right then, the thirst was not overly bad. It was a distant echo in his mind, mixing with all his other emotions, and easily suppressed. He wondered when he’ll be getting the seal on his neck and what effect it’ll have on him. He wondered whether the fits of thirst will be very painful. He wondered what he will feel, facing his death.

It wasn’t like he thought his very nature was evil and thus he had to die. Nor that every vampire on the earth had to be exterminated. He knew the world was neither all black or white, only children or really narrow-minded people thought that way. Certainly, he still felt that most vampires saw humans as little more than cattle. Purebloods, especially, were a special brand of filth in his opinion but even then, he knew, rationally, one could not generalize. For example, he knew Yuuki will be decent enough, pureblood or not. Although that’s a bit of a special case.

It was not the matter of being a vampire that was the point anyway. No, he simply knew that Level Es could not be left alive once they had fallen. That was a fact. It did not matter whether they were evil or not, whether they wanted to hurt someone or not. They simply could not be considered anything more than pitiful, thirsting beasts moved by their instincts. He’d learned that lesson first hand.

He knew that was his destiny as well, now.

It was okay, though, really. He’d made peace with it and his new nature long ago. Or at least he’d thought so.

Every day, however, he could feel That Woman’s mark throb at random times. The phantom feeling of having her fangs deep in his flesh a constant buzzing at the back of his mind. In the beginning, it was easy enough to ignore. He could not muster enough energy to do anything anyway, really, so why even bother with it? However, as time passed, it grew and grew more every day, till finally, it broke through his perennial numbness enough to bother him and he could bear it no longer. He just had to make it stop. To take That Woman’s filth _out of his body._

( _It was inside, her presence. He could feel it throb in time with his heartbeat, flowing through his blood. His disgusting body now tainted forever by her mark. It was something that could not be seen, a mark on his Soul_ ).

It was not like he had something against vampires like the original Zero, no, not at all. He wouldn’t even have had all that much against _being_ a vampire, had he been destined to end as anything but a level E (Although having to drink _blood_ was not an appealing thought in the least, no matter what his throbbing throat thought) But it wasn’t even that.

No, it was knowing he had something of _That Woman_ inside of him now. Marking him so permanently it changed his genetic code, completely and irrevocably. The thought of anything of Hers inside of him, it was…unbearable. It just made him want to claw at his body to try and get it out, even though he knew it to be impossible. He just _had. To. Get. It. out._

It was during one of those episodes that Yuuki stumbled in next.

He had felt her coming, obviously, but the buzz in his mind and the itch in his neck devolved all his attention at that moment. He could think of little else but that.

He had been wandering the house that evening, avoiding everybody while trying to distract himself from that feeling. In the end, he’d succumbed to it anyway, slumping by the fireplace.

Yuuki had been walking by when she saw him. She stopped, staring.

“What are you doing…? Zero…kun?”

Her voice trailed off as he turned towards her, hand still not stopping clawing at his flesh, as if in a trance.

“It feels disgusting…I still can feel that woman…”

Yuuki looked like she did not know what to feel, half surprised to hear his voice. It had probably been one of the longest things he’d said till then. Then, she finally saw the blood dripping from his hand and her eyes grew wide. She froze in place.

“It’s painful…stop it…”

Zero vaguely heard her voice protesting weakly, but he did not pay it any heed, the words not even reaching him.

“sto…”

Next thing he knew, something had launched itself at him and he found his arm weighted down, tightly held.

Seemingly realizing her words were having no effect, Yuuki had finally snapped out of her stupor and did something he’d not expected. With her expression halfway between panicky/worried and determined, she threw herself at him.

“Zero…”

She caught his arm in her grip and refused to let go, trying to restrain him. It did not take much strength at all, his body pliant in his trance-like state. She raised his bloodied hand to her cheek and looked up at him. Her profound, troubled eyes staring into his own.

“You mean the vampire who did a cruel thing to your family by “that woman” right?”

Her voice was gentle, if not a little shaky. Soothing.

“Zero-kun…you were hurt too…probably…something very terrible…”

She tightened her grip on his arm with one hand while reaching out with her other one, covering his neck where he’d been hurting himself, covering the feeling of That Woman’s fangs with her warmth.

“You are okay, now…”

She clenched her eyes tight, overtaken by her emotions. He could see them in her expression, feel them in her voice. Her pain for him, her care, her empathy. It was almost overflowing.

“You are okay now…because I’ll be holding you like this from now on…you are okay…”

Zero watched the tears gathered in her eyes, body slack, and for the first time since that night, he felt something bloom in him: warmth. It blossomed from his neck and hand, where her touch landed, and spread along his body, thawing the ice that had taken residence there.

That she could make him feel something even in this state, have this strong an effect…she really was something, after all. He could understand, now, how the other Zero could have fallen for her.

After that moment, Yuuki once again helped him clean his neck, gently guiding him through the motions. This time, however, he was aware during the whole process. For the first time in a while he felt that, perhaps, the world wasn’t so cold now and, maybe, he could push on again.

That night he ate dinner at the table with them. Cross-san was overjoyed, eyes flowing comically with tears as he launched himself at him with a strange noodle ballet. He sidestepped, of course ( _Zero would never admit it but even though annoying and strange, it still warmed him a little_ ). The food however almost made him regret ever coming out of his trance. It was…disgusting. There wasn't really any other way to describe it. What the hell was Cross' idea of a meal? Those things were  _not_  meant to be mixed together.

Zero looked blankly aghast at the father and daughter eating along unconcernedly. By the gods, was it a normal thing? How had they not died of food poisoning already? And did they really  _like_  it? But more importantly, had he really been eating  _this_  till now without even realizing it? It was true he'd barely tasted anything since coming here, merely going through the motions mechanically, but…really, how had he not realized before? He must have been more out of it than he'd realized.

He took another bite and bravely had to suppress the urge to retch.

That signed it, he would be the one cooking from thereon.

( _That night, for the first time, he had no nightmares, heart still cradled in leftover warmth_ )

I

O

I

"Ahh…!"

"How cruel Kiryuu-kuun! Throwing me out of my kitchen! Let me in, I need to prepare you all a dish of lo- _oove_!"

"Shut up and get out"

The next day at lunch, he proceeded to make good on his promise and promptly started with throwing Cross and Yuuki out of the kitchen. He ignored their startled cries of complaint and stoically closed the door on their noses. A slight frown marred his usually blanc face as he searched through the fridge and cupboards. What the hell kind of food did Cross buy? There was barely anything usable for a healthy meal. Tsk. He'll have to go with the man next time he went shopping. There was no way he'd leave anything food-related up to him from then on.

For the following time, he concentrated on his cooking, trying not to think of his twin as he did so. It was surprisingly easier than expected with those two morons screaming at him and banging on the door. They were startlingly…persistent.

Finally, about almost an hour later, he opened the kitchen door, stepping aside to let the two idiots crash down.

"Uah…!"

"Kiiryuuu-kuun!"

Zero ignored them, bringing out the dishes. He'd already set the table before starting, so there was no delay. He walked towards the table before settling them down.

"It's ready, sit and eat already"

Yuuki and Cross, who had somewhat gotten used to his taciturn and stilted self those past weeks, recovered soon enough, both getting up and coming towards the table.

"Ooh, Kiryuu-kun is so cute to cook for us. Yuuki, we must eat everything!" Exclaimed the chairman, holding a fist up in determination before launching himself at the table.

Yuuki followed unsurely after him at first, but soon the aroma of the food reached her nose and her expression changed with her hunger. Mouth almost drooling, she followed the delicious scent like in a trance, nodding happily as she went.

"Nh!"

Zero wondered a with distant sort of horror whether she'd ever eaten something good since losing her memories. It was a dreadfully pitiful thought, if true.

"Here"

He set down the plates before them, going back to the kitchen to take his own before sitting down as well.

"Well then, Itadakimasu!"

"'masu"

Their reactions after the first bite were despairingly funny. It really looked like they hadn’t eaten anything good in years.

"Oooh, this is  _so good_  Kiryuu-kun. I did not know you knew how to cook!"

"Un! Un!" Yuuki nodded fervently at his side, comical tears of joy flowing down her eyes as she kept eating.

"I'll be cooking from now on, at least till one of you learns how not to poison us when doing it"

"So mean! My cooking is delicious. Yuuki thinks so too, right?"

Cross turned towards his adoptive daughter, hopeful gaze filled with overexaggerated expectation, but the girl didn't return it. She went suddenly stiff, acting as if she hadn't heard him while doggedly adverting her eyes. It seemed like now she'd tasted something comestible she realized just how horrible the chairman's meals were. Zero would have cried for her poor taste buds, had he had the capacity to do so.

"Uhm…"

The man despaired at her reaction.

"How cruel! You have turned my precious, adorable, little daughter against me!"

"It's your cooking skill's fault, not mine"

"No one appreciates mee!"

They both ignored him, going on with their eating.

I

O

I

The next few days went on in a similar fashion, their first (comestible) meal together apparently setting the stage for their future relations. It was strange, in a way. Zero still felt hollow most of the time. Despair, guilt and (mostly self-)hatred fighting for dominance inside him exactly as they had before. However…something had changed at that moment, when Yuuki had found him. It was like…in-between all that pain and hate and despair…a light could be seen now and then. Not always, no, and not often at all, but…sometimes.

It came out easier when he was with her. The chairman as well, with all his silly antics and annoying persona, slowly started to breach through in his own unique way. As the days passed Zero almost regained hope of feeling even a bit alive in the future.

It was almost a week later when something else happened.

It had been a good few days since the time Yuuki had found him, but he still wore the bandage around his neck. He had done himself some good damage after all, and he did not have the courage to see the rate it was healing at. No, it was better to keep it covered till there was no doubt no marks would have been left normally either. There was no need to risk Yuuki noticing anything strange in any case. He was not ready at all to face  _that_  can of worms.

They had been dining when it happened. The doorbell rang.

They all stilled at the sound and the chairman (… _not really chairman yet though, isn't he? There's no Cross academy to be a chairman of yet after all. It should be soon though, shouldn't it? ...)_ spoke up.

"Kiryuu-kun, we actually have a guest…" was all he said, looking intently at him.

Zero looked down at his food at that, appetite almost immediately lost. He did not want to see anyone. It had been one of his (still numerous) no-days and he'd felt out of sorts since that morning. There wasn't much he could do if it was a guest of the chairman though ( _No but really, should he still call him that in his head? Well…yeah, probably. After all, who cared to hear what he said in his mind? And even if they did it was not their business in the first place so whatever, he guessed_ ).

He was so out of sort he did not even notice the chairman had spoken before the doorbell rang. In fact, it was not till it almost smacked him in the face that he felt something as well.

"So late at night…?" he asked instead.

"Yes, Yuuki. You go open the door"

The girl, who had already gotten up, went without protest. A little curious herself as to who’d be coming in.

He and the chairman watched her go for a few moments before the man spoke up again.

"Kiryuu-kun, you should see with your own eyes. You'll probably be able to tell…"

It was Cross' serious tone that tickled Zero off finally, and he immediately focused on his surroundings again.

"What is it?"

The words were barely out of his mouth before he froze, senses going haywire. How had he managed to ignore  _that_  till then? It was…

It was Yuuki's excited words that added the last clue.

"Kaname-sama"

Zero felt his body freeze.

Kaname. Kaname Kuran. How had he forgotten about him? _Of course_ the vampire would come to visit Yuuki. He'd known that already. It made sense he would check in especially at this point, now that a pending Level E had come to live with her. No matter it was him who planned for it in the first place. In fact, he would have thought he'd have come sooner, to check on the state of his new pawn. He'd probably been held up by something.

Watching Yuuki's happy expression as that vampire lovingly caressed her face sent rage through him. How could he do that in front of him, when he was the reason Zero's own light had left him behind?

"Kaname-sama…hum…"

Zero watched, body rigid, as Yuuki led that monster further inside, trying to will himself through his rage. It would not do to cause a scene, after all. Especially as he could not really say what he wanted to. They would think him crazy at best, and at worst Kuran would sense something off. No, it was better not to react really. However, just when he thought he was going to succeed, the vampire looked straight at him.

Zero went still. Those eyes…he was sure he'd never have understood it had he not know what he did, but that look in them...the way he looked at him… The rage overcame him at that moment and a red haze filled his mind. The world narrowed down as the deafening sound of his heartbeat filled his ears, tuning out all the rest. Without even fully realizing it, he took the kitchen knife by his plate – the first weapon at hand – and ran at a blur.

He could see nothing but those eyes and he launched himself at full speed towards them. The blade piercing through that monster's flesh was a satisfying feeling, really, even though he'd have preferred having hit something more important than an arm. Like an eyeball. Not even the knowledge he'd only managed to hit at all because Kuran had let him, to protect Yuuki (who had stupidly run right towards his pointed knife. _Really, could that girl be any more stupid?_ ), managed to douse it. Nor did the other two's panicked exclamations. He simply stared as hatefully and accusingly as he could into those red-brown eyes.

"Vampire!"

It was a miracle he'd retained enough reason to not voice out the real accusation that wanted to sweep out ( _Murderer_ ). It seems something was going right for him at least. Now, if only that monster before him would just self-combust as he was willing him to, it would really be perfect. No such luck though.

"Slashing me so suddenly…not so nice of you."

Oh, that little! Was he the only one who could read the mocking behind those words? It seemed so as nobody else was reacting to them. If only he could show him what he really wanted to do to him…

"Shut up, vampire!" he yelled in reply, wanting to wipe that look from his eyes (well, more of a feeling rather than a look, in truth). Then, just about remembering he had to find something to explain his behaviour, he went on.

"You smell just like  _That Woman_ "

It was true. He felt the same way as well. His hunter senses were still going haywire, with something unfamiliar mixing in. Zero clenched his teeth. Were those  _vampire_  senses? It was true he didn’t particularly hate vampires but the idea of something,  _anything_ , in him even distantly contemplating the idea of submitting to this…this… _pureblood_. It made his blood boil even more as he sank the knife deeper in the other's flesh. Enough to hit the bone.

Kuran remained impassive, however, and just went on with his little play.

"That woman…? So, you are Zero…Kiryuu?" he said, his voice thoughtful (mockingly so in Zero's mind).

"I heard about you"

Yeah, of course he's heard. He was the one to orchestrate everything behind the scenes in the first place after all. Like the puppet-master he fancied himself to be, playing everyone as if a pawn readily asking to be used.

He clenched his teeth as the vampire yanked the knife from his arm easy as breathing. Seemingly not even registering Zero's efforts to resist, he threw it to the ground.

"I'm sorry about your family, but I've got no intention of getting killed by you"

Zero wanted to scream at those words, the pain finally hitting in alongside the rage.

He looked to the knife, discarded just as his family had been. His eyes were full of pain.

He felt Cross' hand land on his shoulder then, trying to console him.

"You are mistaking the one to get revenge on, Kiryuu-kun…"

He clenched his fists. Really, he did not know whether he ought to laugh or cry at that point. If only the chairman knew just how wrong he was…if only he could do  _something, anything_  to fix this, someone who would believe him should he tell the truth…he felt so useless right then, a sense of powerlessness almost overcoming him. There was nothing at all he could do, just like against That Woman.

He let the chairman led him away, not wanting to listen anymore to what that monster was saying.

Later that night found Zero on his bed, head hidden behind his raised knee. Thinking. How could he just act like…like their lives had meant nothing? Was he really that evil? Or just that damaged inside.

He knew, really, that Kaname wasn’t truly evil. Even knowing the truth since the beginning, he'd never hated him for what was to come. He’d even though he could almost  _understand_. Now, however…

It was the same thing as with Yagari-Shishou's eye. Knowing and  _living_  something were two completely different things. It was just…the  _look_  in his eyes, his aura…was he really the only one who could sense it? Was it on purpose on Kuran's part?

Yuuki's presence at his door roused him from his thoughts then. He didn’t raise his head, however. He was suddenly reminded of how Yuuki was that bastard'  _sister_. At least as far as people knew. The one who would grow up to marry him (Or want to at least. He didn't know whether they ever  _did_  marry in the end…certainly got  _busy_  together, though). She lingered by the door for a bit, hesitant, before finally deciding to speak up.

"Zero-kun…Kaname-sama has gone home…", she said softly as she came into the room, as if afraid of startling him. He did not move.

"I'm sorry…I should have told you sooner…are you okay, Zero-kun?"

The bed creaked as she put her weight on it, hand reaching out towards him. The same hand that had brought back warm into him just a few nights before. The same one that caressed that bastard’s hand. He lashed out instinctively, slapping it away.

"Don't you dare touch me with the hand you touched him!" he exclaimed in her face, blood boiling once again. His previous thoughts and the image of Yuuki, looking all so pleasing and pliant under that vampire's touch, coalesced to make a very explosive mix inside of him.

Immediately after, however, he viciously bit onto his lip, looking back down as he restrained himself. He did not mean to hurt or startle her. He knew she was innocent of all this. Just another chess piece being pulled along, for all that vampire claimed to love her.

Yuuki looked at him in surprise, evidently shocked by his sudden actions. Then, she looked down as well, voice hesitant but shining with conviction as she spoke up again.

"Kaname-sama is a kind vampire…he saved me from a terrible vampire…"

Zero wanted to scoff at her blind belief. Did she really think he had no ulterior motive? Admittedly, from her point of view it must be confusing but why, did she think, would a pureblood of Kuran's calibre care so much about a little mortal girl? It just screamed 'suspicious'. How could Yuuki not wonder about that?

Well, to be truthful he vaguely remembered Yuuki not even knowing that purebloods  _were a thing till much,_ _much_ _later (embarrassingly so in his opinion, considering everything. Did they really let her live under a crystal ball? What good did that even do?)_ , let alone that her precious Kaname-sama was one. Still…

"There must be something wrong with you" his own voice was raspy when he spoke again, almost muffled in his sleeve.

"Both Cross and you…can you really not  _see_?"

Zero looked intently into her eyes at that, searching for any trace of a reaction or comprehension of what he was talking about. He only got a confused look back instead. He almost facepalmed. How could it be? Was it really only him? Was Kuran letting him see it on purpose, in some kind of twisted lashing out for getting to live with his precious princess when he could not? Or was it really all on him? Had canon Zero felt it as well? If so, it's no wonder his feelings towards him did not change for such a long time, all else aside.

He had to have sensed something more going on, the façade Kuran put up for the world, but not know why nor what. If he remembered correctly, they'd only started getting along by the end, when Kuran was set on dying and left out (all?) pretences. But he could be remembering wrong after all. All the parts after the anime were a bit fuzzy for him.

Zero sighed inwardly even as Yuuki went away after some other words he did not pay attention to, already sucked back into his own thoughts. Truth be told, now that he was finally calming down again, he could almost sympathise a bit with what Kuran must be going through. They were somewhat in the same situation after all. He knew, in theory, that the man was broken and would do anything in his power to guard the only light left in his life. Even if he had to separate from it for a while for Its own good.

It was almost the same thing he was going through with Ichiru, only he was with people who cared (or will come to, following canon) about him. Not surrounded by a pack of hungry scavengers panting for his blood with only a few, meticulously calculated, allies. A pity he wore a mask around them as well most of the time.

Aside from that, though, was Zero not the same? He'd known what was going to happen. Surely, he could have changed things had he just tried harder. But he had not wanted to jeopardize his Other's happiness, and so did not pose much resistance. He was just as responsible for their parent's death as Ichiru was, really. Not that he did not hold Shizuka and Kaname responsible, of course, but that was another thing entirely.

In any case he knew, in theory, that Kuran wasn't really evil. Just broken. But he really could not think like that right then. The vampire was a damn chess-master playing with people's lives after all. No matter the reasons behind such a thing, it was just wrong and simply disgusting. Not to talk about his damn smug, self-satisfied aura and mocking, gentle smile. Just thinking back on it made his blood boil.

( _He wondered if he’d imagined that glimpse of sadness he’d seen then. It had come and gone faster than he could realize in that state, but thinking back on it now, he wondered…_ )

There was nothing much he could do about it, though, nor did he care overly much about what was going to happen to him in the future. As far he was concerned, he could have died that night and be satisfied. Without his reason for living, he was dead inside anyway.

But no… that was not entirely correct. Now that he was finally shocked out of his stupor fully, he recognized there  _was_  still one thing left for him to do. A purpose to move him forward.

In a few years, whether he'll be there or not, his Other will return. Following Shizuka's death at the hands of Kuran Kaname, he'll sacrifice himself to try and fulfil her purpose. Only to end up dying at the hands of yet another Kuran. Whether he ate Ichiru or not at that point, he'll die anyway.

That was something he could not allow.

He had momentarily lost sight of his goal after that night but now, after the shock of meeting Kuran in person for the first time, his path had cleared once more.

He was destined to die. Of that, there were no doubts in Zero's mind. However, there was one thing left to do before his time came. How could he have forgotten, even momentarily, of his higher purpose in this life? The separation from his Other and all the rest must have really affected him more than he'd realized. Well, just one reason more to proceed. No matter what, he had to preserver until then. If he died protecting his Other, he'll die happily. It was certainly a better end than being put down like a rabid dog, either by someone he loved or a perfect stranger.

Yes, he had an objective, and in those years till then he had to prepare as much as possible. He had to put in even more effort than canon Zero did. That Zero was lost and confused after all, he had no real motivation moving him forward if not, perhaps, his hate. But directionless hate was not too effective either. Especially not when most of it was directed at himself.

He, however, was different. He had a clear objective in front of him now. He was not directionless anymore. And it was something much more powerful than hate. His Other's fate was in his hands, after all. He had to do his best, better even, to protect him and make sure he was happy. It should come as second nature to him in any case. It was all he'd known in this life after all, but this time, he had to succeed.

Sighing, Zero did not even notice when his thoughts petered off and he drifted into sleep. Darkness enveloped him as he slipped down the bed, laying down. His tear stained face peaceful for the first time since coming there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End!  
> For now, obviously.  
> What do you guys think? Was it any good? Or was it too long-winded? What do you think of my Zero’s thoughts on both Yuuki and Kaname? Were you disappointed I did not change their meetings?
> 
> To be honest, I really loved the way Zero and Kaname’s first meeting went in canon so I couldn’t bring myself to change it. Besides, this Zero knows Kuran was the one behind Shizuka’s attack, so I didn’t see him react any better, really. At least not when presented with him like that.
> 
> As for Yuuki, instead… If some of you are wondering, Zero will not see her as he did in canon but she’ll still become a precious presence for him. It’s just that his Other takes first place, and he won’t like her romantically, so… oh and he will make sure she’ll be better prepared this time around. Thus no stupid, clueless little girl throwing herself in trouble and causing problems to others.
> 
> Well…not so much at least. You can only change someone so much after all and Yuuki is, fundamentally, an innocent, gentle, caring and brash/reckless person. This will remain. I’ll only change her knowledge and how she’ll go about things a bit. Just enough to not be annoying while remaining the same girl we like.
> 
> Now, for those replies:
> 
> Jazlyn191: Thank you, I appreciate your imputs. Hope you'll keep helping me!
> 
> Absolute Zero: Yeah, he tried, but it was not enough. The situation was completely umbalanced after all. Something had to give, and Ichiru needed space to grow as his own person.  
> In any case, I hope you liked how Zero dealt with the situation for now. That's the first reaction while pratically under shock, though, so we will see later on.  
> Thank you for replying to my questions as well, I liked how those songs fit with them.
> 
> Livelovelaughapps: Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it. Hope you'll like this chapter as well.
> 
> Well, this is it. thank you for reading and please let me know what you think this time as well!


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